As the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words...but I have just a few more to add. And for anyone who knows me, or better yet who knows my writing, it's already a given that a thousand words might just not be enough.
This photo was taken in Las Vegas on a surprise Christmas gift trip I gave to my daughter, Kylee. Neither of us had been there before and it had been a few years since I'd surprised her with a trip, so I had been really looking forward to it.
Within the past year or so, I asked her which trip we've taken was her all-time favorite and she said, "New York City."
The following is an excerpt from my memoir, Brave Enough To Be Bliss, describing why I began traveling with my daughter more than a decade ago.
The summer before Kylee’s senior year of high school, I had made a conscious decision to create as many special memories with her as I could. While it wasn’t the most conservative financial decision at all for someone who was unemployed, I knew we would never have this kind of time together again so I wanted to make the most of it and create memories we could always treasure. I figured I could work the rest of my life and make more money, but I would never be able to spend time with her at this age again.
In the book, I describe the trip to New York City this way.
Then the best surprise of all was a Christmas gift trip to New York City on January 2. There really aren’t even words to describe how much fun we had on that trip. It started with a delayed flight to St. Louis which caused us to miss our connecting flight to the Big Apple. They booked us on the next flight, but it was going to be really tight to get to the show, Jersey Boys, on time. After arriving in New York, we caught a taxi that took us to the hotel, watching the clock the whole way as every minute counted. We had maybe 10 minutes to get to our room and change and then literally had to run to the show. We made it in time and even had two minutes to spare, which allowed us just enough time to buy something to drink and some peanut M&Ms. We were starving because we hadn’t eaten anything except a couple airplane snacks since breakfast.
She later told me she hadn’t been that excited about the show but ended up absolutely loving it. And then after the show, one of my favorite moments of her life that I will never, ever forget was when we walked out, and the snow was gently and beautifully falling with the city already covered in white. As we walked toward Times Square, she stopped, looked directly at me, and said, “It’s magical.” And she meant it. And my heart melted and if I had allowed myself to cry back then, I would have been a mess because just writing about it has tears streaming down my face. Her facial expression, the snow in her hair, the way she said it…absolutely everything about it was precious and one of those moments of perfection in life that became permanently etched in my mind.
And reading those paragraphs again have more tears streaming down my face and I couldn't be happier. I used to fear tears because I thought if I ever really let them flow, I literally wouldn't be able to stop them because there was so much pain I had kept locked inside my whole life. My brain knew it wasn't safe to feel feelings because if I felt some, I might feel them all, and my brain didn't believe I could survive them.
Several years following this trip was unlike any other Christmas I had spent with Kylee and I described this way in the book.
Kylee and I got through Christmas, but this was the one Christmas in her life where the joy was missing. I was grateful she was physically present, but I missed her. The next eight months were spent merely surviving. I worked and worried about her. She went to therapy and school and studied. We watched some shows and communicated about the basics, but really didn’t talk like we had before. Survival doesn’t allow for much beyond the basics. You get up, you do what you have to do, and you pray for sleep, so you don’t have to be present in your life. She was staying alive because she didn’t want to hurt me, and I was doing the same for her. That’s it. And that’s no way to live.
That's why this year's photos taken from the revolving Top of the World restaurant with the lights of the city known for second chances in full view as we sipped champagne simply to celebrate "life," was another such magical moment as I thought back to how far we both have come since that lonely Christmas seven years ago. It turns out, there's no pain I wouldn't learn to face in order to become the mom and person my daughter and I deserved. I did eventually stop crying and I did survive the painful memories. And because I fully felt all the pain, I can now experience all the pure joy that comes with accepting that life...is...hard and bad things happen, but with love I found peace within myself and peace within this imperfect world with all of its imperfect humans.
We saw Bruno Mars in concert while we were in Las Vegas, but it's Ed Sheeran's song Photograph that's been on my mind for a few weeks. Take a couple minutes and really think about the words you hear sung and see what photographs come to your mind as you listen.
The following lyrics really resonated with me.
Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing
That I know
And when it gets hard
You know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive
Loving can heal
Loving can mend your soul
And is the only thing
That I know, know
I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of ya
And it's the only thing we take with us when we die
Even for the photos I see where a relationship no longer exists, or a person's physical body is no longer on this earth for me to see and touch, these lyrics ring true. Because it is love that has gotten me through the depths of despair, and it is love that has taken me to the top of the world.
If you're interested in reading Brave Enough To Be Bliss in its entirety, the digital book is free, and hardback copies can be purchased at cost through the link below. There is no financial gain for me in sharing this book, but you are worth the investment of each and every word.
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