I used to say things like...
I could never do that (fly Xanax-free, parasail, go three months without a haircut, etc.)!
I would never eat that (jalapenos, peppers, raw oysters, etc. or drink tequila)!
I could never wear that (bright colors, a two piece swimsuit, a thong, etc.)!
I would never say that (something that might possibly hurt someone's feelings, my deepest thoughts or feelings, a certain four-letter word that starts with the letter f, etc.)!
I truly meant each of these things when I said them. And I would have been willing to bet a lot of money I was so sure I wouldn't ever do any of them...until I got brave and did. And it was through that process, learning how to be brave, that I realized how much fear drove every decision I made. And the saddest part was, many of those decisions were about things much more important than jalapenos. And if you know me now, you know how very much that's saying because I learned a couple years ago that I LOVE a really good and hot jalapeno...especially when it's in a spicy margarita!
The key for me was learning self-compassion from the smartest Ginger I know, definitely not myself, but rather the compassion coach I worked with for four years (https://www.gingerrothhaas.com/). The book I am writing will share the whole story of my journey with her, but anyone can start learning from her today by following her on Instagram, LinkedIn, subscribing to receive an email from her with a weekly practice, etc. Before I could begin to talk to myself with the compassion I had always given everyone else in my life, I could not begin to become brave because bravery does not come with guarantees of success. Bravery is walking straight on in, knowing the risks, understanding the consequences...and doing it anyway. Not knowing the outcome is what makes it brave.
I did...
fly Xanax-free and parasail by learning to give up the illusion of control. And I have gotten to see the most beautiful sites I've ever seen as a result.
go three months without a haircut: COVID, need I say more? And it did inspire me to grow out my bangs, something I hadn't done since grade school.
I did eat/drink...
jalapenos and they are one of my favorite things now!
peppers and learned I love red ones but I can do without the green.
raw oysters, well one raw oyster so not really plural, but I did let it slide right on down and it didn't bother me a bit.
tequila, and while dangerous, it is one of my favorite liquors now.
I did wear...
bright colors and found out that I even like the right shade of red lipstick on me.
a two piece swimsuit and realized it wasn't nearly as big a deal as I made it out to be.
a thong and while I can't say it was comfortable for me, like most anything, if I did it often enough, I'm sure it would be fine.
I did say...
something that might possibly hurt someone's feelings because I cannot control how someone else feels regardless of how careful I was being with what I said. To think I could do otherwise was simply not being realistic. I can only control my own feelings, no one else's, so even with the best intentions, I was fooling myself.
my deepest thoughts or feelings with my coach to start with. She didn't judge me, she simply listened. The things I had told myself about why I would "never" share one thing or another simply did not happen. Instead I felt an almost instant relief as if a huge weight had been lifted from me as the words now floated in the air instead of being trapped inside my mind and body.
a certain four-letter word that starts with the letter f and found it quite freeing.
Judging a word, a color, a food, a drink, an undergarment or outer garment, an experience or a person is simply fear in action. And while fear at its origin is there to protect us, when we are unaware of its presence and not consciously choosing when to listen to it, fear can actually hurt us and others.
Where is fear driving your decisions, leading you to judge yourself/others, or holding you back from what could be the best experiences of your life?
Answering that question is one way you can begin to be brave today.
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