I have always loved celebrating other people’s birthdays. I carefully select the perfect Hallmark card, think about what gift to give whether it’s an experience or something tangible, and consider what might be their most enjoyed meal, drink or sweet treat. Even when I was a little girl and could only pick out the card myself with someone else’s help to pay for it, I would select the most elaborate one, first by the way it looked then also through the words as I got older and could understand them. I have hoped all of this thought, time and planning translates into them "feeling" loved.
As I thought about this, it reminded me of one of my favorite songs of all time, Make You Feel My Love (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVeubNxaBsg). Adele's version is the one I first heard and added to my playlist, but now most weeks I get to hear it sung live in Kansas City at The Phoenix by the amazingly talented and beautiful Talya Groves accompanied by a great man and pianist Walter Bryant. There are two reasons I mention the song and The Phoenix.
First, I was thinking back to how I didn't enjoy people making a fuss about my birthday...even the way I just wrote that has meaning. To me, celebrating other people is joyful and I just wrote, even today after all the years of working on myself, that other people celebrating "my" birthday is "making a fuss." What can I say, I'm a work in progress and likely always will be...but back to the point. I have poured so much into other people because I didn't want anyone else to question if they were loved, so I related to this song because that's what I tried to do for other people..."make them" feel my love. In reality, though, I now know that's what I wanted someone else to do for me, not understanding back then that I wanted what only I could first give to myself. I could not fully receive what I didn't believe I was worthy of. And as much as I want to make others feel loved, that’s not something I can do for them either. It’s their journey to make. The best I can do is model for them and remind them of my love all while having healthy boundaries for me. I smile now thinking how obvious it seems, but that's after lots and lots of mistakes and bravery and lessons and learning. So when I hear the song today, I listen with a different, more knowing and understanding smile instead of a wistful one and the tears that may still come to my eyes are now those of a full heart ready to receive love and kindness.
While my journey has been over a period of years, I will forever remember birthday week 2022 as a real transition experience for me. On the evening before my birthday, my dad sent me a text message asking if I wanted to meet for a drink and I told him I was just getting ready to go into a massage but that I would check with him after and perhaps I would stop by on my way home if he was still there. He was at The Phoenix where we had seen Talya perform a few times and while I didn't know all the exact relationships, there were a couple tables of people who were consistently there so I knew they were connected. She was always friendly and seemed to recognize us and my dad had told her it was my birthday before I arrived, so as is the tradition, she asked everyone there to join her in singing happy birthday to me. My dad had to leave shortly after 9 p.m., but I wasn't planning to work the next day so I decided to be brave and stay by myself to listen to her last set. When I was getting dressed after the massage I remembered thinking, my hair was messy, my face probably still had lines from the headrest and I was all oily, but decided, oh well, it didn't matter I would just go with it and that's the attitude I had about staying. I didn't worry about anything, I just decided to enjoy the music. Much to my surprise, I ended up meeting Talya's friends and family that night and over the course of the past year they have become quite dear to me. They had stood out to me because they always looked like they were having so much fun together and once I relaxed and got comfortable with myself, I learned I could have fun too. While there is so much more to birthday week that I'll go into in the book, suffice it to say that birthday week was a series of revelations, the most important being, I was the only one holding me back from experiencing so much in life that I admired in others and enjoyed giving to others.
I'm including a video that was taken at my workplace on my 50th birthday. Now my boss, who is also one of my best friends, knew I didn't want any attention, but in her usual fashion, she does what she feels is best and often in the process encourages me to learn and grow. Take a look at the video, noticing my body language and expression.
In short, I was mortified. I knew she had good intentions, but I really was not happy at all with her on the inside. I believe something like, "I'm going to kill you" was running through my mind (figuratively of course). I felt like I needed to act appreciative so I didn't hurt her feelings or set a bad example in front of the staff, but I was really wishing she hadn't done it because nothing about it felt good to me at the time.
This week I turn 55 and isn't it amazing what can happen in five years?!?! Not only is there going to be a celebration this year, but I actually planned it. Talk about a brave, bold and perhaps even brazen thing to do...there have been days when I have wondered what in the hell I was thinking when I decided to do this…but then I remember, that's just my brain doing its old thing and I tell it to move into the present, then I smile again looking forward to the opportunity to celebrate.
You are invited to join me virtually and compare the 50-year-old mortified version of me with the 55-year-old joyful, and perhaps teary-eyed, version of me. As long as technology cooperates, a Facebook Live video of the toast at 8 p.m. CST on March 3 should be publicly available, so pour a glass of champagne and join me for perhaps the longest toast known to man, but it's my party so I figure I can do what I want to and I can cry if I want to also.
(This song is actually older than me, so for any young people who don't get my reference, here's the song that made the phrase. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIsnIt1p978)
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