Last Saturday, while my daughter was driving, I was reminded of her tendency to yell at other drivers when they do things that from her vantage point don't seem too safe. She might phrase that a little differently, but this is my blog, so I'll simply let you use your imagination. I used to get after her when she'd yell at them because I was scared someday, she might anger someone, and they would hurt her in a road rage incident. Now, I smile.
I realize that may sound strange, but this is why I smile. After years of working on it, I have simply accepted that as much as I would want to, I cannot protect her from all pain in life. When I lived thinking I could, my words and actions negatively affected our relationship. I did my best modeling values and behaviors I hoped she would pick up on and emulate, but for those where she has chosen her own path, the most important thing I can do now that she is an adult, is simply smile. If getting her frustration out by yelling at a driver who cannot hear her makes her feel better, I'm glad she expresses herself.
Today, I am simply happy to have the opportunity to be in the same vehicle with her. I value my relationship with her much more than I want to live my life thinking I can control her or anyone else even if it's for the purpose of trying to keep them from pain. Accepting that I don't have control of anyone except myself was the only way I could stop living and making decisions based on fear. Instead, I accept bad things happen. Life...is...hard. And life...is...good. We can choose to make life the best it can be by doing whatever is necessary to heal and grow individually, which will in turn help to make our relationships as healthy as they can be.
Last week a friend of mine posted a link to a book written by a dear friend of hers, Everyone Dies, "Journey of a Hospice Nurse." The description includes these words, "Everyone Dies reveals stories of love, hope, despair, joy, and sorrow." While I haven't read the book yet, I hope to one day and have a feeling the author and I could have a great conversation along with our mutual friend, so I hope to meet her one day too. (If interested, here's the link to the book, WestBowPress.)
Reading that post shortly before my birthday and then hearing my daughter say in response to my teasing her about her irritation at the other driver, "I'm just trying to make sure you don't die on your birthday." That made me wonder how many people really do die on their birthdays and, yes, today I looked it up and found this article quite interesting.
This sobering fact seemed particularly noteworthy, "But the number that really stands out, of course, is the 34.9% greater chance of dying by suicide by men on their birthdays."
Just last week, I had mentioned to my self-compassion coach that as I have been sharing my blogs over the past 18 months, I have seen a difference, in general, from the feedback I get from women compared to men. The women seem to connect more with the posts related to solitude, being brave enough to travel by myself/go new places and giving up things. The men, surprisingly, seem to relate more when I write about vulnerability making comments like they are relieved to know they aren't the only ones with some of the thoughts or feelings I've shared.
In the book, I am able to delve much more into detail about my thoughts related to men and vulnerability, but today, I simply wanted to raise awareness and share the following article for men that also includes a link to Brene Brown's TED talk, "The power of vulnerability." If you are not one of the millions of us who have watched it, please invest the 21 minutes. The video applies to all humans, it's not specific to men, and I strongly believe all humans can benefit from her insight with some self-reflection.
These blogs are written primarily to remind each reader, no matter what hurt is in your past or your present, you are not alone. Others are struggling too, even though most won't talk about it first and up until a couple years ago, I wouldn't have either. And while that just means we're human, another part of being human is having the power to choose to be brave and go first.
On September 7, 2018, I began working with a self-compassion coach and last week while we were discussing some of the notes she made from our sessions, she read these quotes from me that she recorded in November and December 2021.
I write to give hope that it's possible for you too.
There's always a reason to live. Always.
You think you're protecting yourself, but you're keeping yourself from love.
I like me more than I care if you like me.
I used to run for punishment, now I run to be free.
Now I'm with myself, not by myself.
I am...like...a really good human.
Those were monumental statements coming from a self-hater like me. In the book when I write about meeting Ginger (she has the same first name) I say, "I used to think I was uniquely flawed. I didn't think anyone else struggled like me. I thought I was alone, and no one would be able to understand the depths of my unworthiness. I thought I was, simply put, unfixable. Meeting Ginger for the first time gave me a sliver of hope."
If you need a sliver of hope today, I hope this will be it. Just a few years ago, I did not want to be alive. I wished every day for something to take me out of this world because I couldn't bear to hurt my daughter by leaving her willingly. In the book, part of the answer to why I kept going back to see Ginger even though it was painful is, "Sure, I had some bad things happen to me, but when I became aware I was the one who was keeping me in that misery, no one else, I began to hate hating myself. I became as disgusted with hating myself as I had been disgusted with myself for all those years."
We are born to live, not merely to survive. Sometimes real living and real relationships require us to make a change, but all that matters is that we are on our way.
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “Wow! What a Ride!” Hunter S. Thompson
Everyone could have their own interpretation of what kind of life that would look like, but for me, when I read it, I said yes, that’s what I want!! I want to be the little old lady who is still pushing her own cart through the grocery store smiling at everyone, spreading joy, doing things no one would expect for my age. I want to take care of my health, but not be kept alive when it’s time to let go. I want to have made the most of the life I’ve been given first of all by giving and receiving love, blessing others with the gifts of my time, talent, and tangible gifts sometimes too because it’s fun to see people light up with a surprise and have a reminder of how much they’re cared for. I want to keep challenging myself to try new experiences, appreciating whatever the day brings because at least I am here to be a part of it and there’s not a day that goes by I can’t find something to be grateful for. And to have given so much to myself and others that it’s impossible to die with anything but this smile on my face because my heart is filled with pure joy. Yes, thoroughly used up, totally worn out living from this heart of mine that can now see and feel everything...love, pain, hope, despair, joy, and sorrow.
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