As I think back on it, I have had to break down to break through so many times in my life, yet each time I hesitate as if continuing to deny the pain that exists will somehow make it go away. As I was icing my knee after physical therapy I was reflecting on the past year. The two physical therapists who guided me through it, Amy and Stacy, were amazing. They pushed me, they encouraged me, they supported me, they got to know me, they shared tidbits of their lives with me, they made me laugh and one time they saw me cry. About 12 weeks after the second surgery I wasn’t seeing any progress with how far my knee would bend. I had been working so hard, they had been trying everything they could think of, but my knee just wouldn’t bend the way it needed to. I was frustrated, I was in pain and at that moment in physical therapy I could not keep the tears from falling. I tried to turn my head, I tried not to sniffle, I allowed the tears and my runny nose to pool in my mask as long as possible (yuck), but finally, I could hide it no more and it was clear I was crying. I felt like everyone in the place saw me crying, but I couldn’t stop the tears, they just kept streaming down my face. No noise, no sobbing, it was just as though my eyes were fire hydrants and there was nothing that could stop the flow of water coming out of them. Fortunately my session was almost over so I was able to leave before too long.
As I was driving home a song I had never heard before came on. I looked at the dash to see what it was and I saw, “Break Down Here.” And with those words, I smiled. It all made sense. I got it, I had broken down, so I could break through. I wasn’t able to magically get my knee to bend, but I had gotten my mind back on track. The lack of bend was a potential side effect of not being able to bend it except for PT exercises for eight weeks while the bone and cartilage transplant right under my kneecap healed and became part of my own. Even though I knew this all along, I had to feel the frustration and acknowledge the pain of it all. I simply had to break down to break through and be able to endure whatever was to come next which turned out to be a third surgery and five more months of physical therapy. But because I didn’t keep pushing all those feelings down and instead just felt them all, I was able to proceed with the right attitude that would help me be able to reach my goal of running again. Call it ironic or a God wink or random, but seeing the title of a song I’d never heard before brought the whole experience from one that I was tempted to be embarrassed about to one where I could walk into PT two days later and say, “Thank you for letting me cry the other day, and after eight months of physical therapy, I think I did pretty good going that long before my first tears in here.” They both agreed wholeheartedly and I was grateful for yet another life lesson. This reminded me of a couple I know who had been talking about the husband’s lack of consistent follow through with things he said he would do around the house. The wife was so frustrated after having had the same repeated conversation, but then one day she told me she finally broke down and cried when discussing it with him yet again. As it turned out, her vulnerability in showing her tears led to the most open conversation they had ever had about her “feelings” (where fear lives) not her thoughts (where control lives), and he finally understood and they haven’t had to have the same conversation again. She had to break down so she could fully express her feelings versus her thoughts for them to have the break through in communication they needed. Shola Richards said this during a virtual conference I attended and it has stuck with me, “My dad gave me a lesson on leading self. He pulled me aside, 'I need you to be the buffalo, not the cow. When a storm comes, the cow turns away from the storm and prolongs the suffering. But the buffalo turns to the storm and goes into the storm. His time in the storm is shorter and because he has done what is hard, he is made better. Lead yourself through the storm.'" Where do you need to break down to break through? Be the buffalo, not the cow.
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