Last weekend, my daughter, son-in-law and I had the pleasure of staying with dear friends in Texas. We had been planning the trip for quite some time, so when it finally arrived, we were all so excited. Several years ago, I would have been planning my excuses knowing they would be serving some meals miles away from the comfort zone of my palette.
But now, I spent my time and energy looking forward to the new experiences knowing if I wanted to try them, I would, and if I didn't, I wouldn't. I trusted my friends love me just as I am and whether I sampled an item or not, it wouldn't make any difference in how they felt about me. They'd simply accept me as I am.
The first night we arrived a crawfish boil was prepared, and it was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I hadn't seen my friend's dad in over 30 years, and he was just like I remembered him, as happy and kind as ever in his 90s now. I had the chance to meet her recently engaged daughter and fiancée, along with his two kids who are the sweetest.
We ate until we couldn't eat any more and then spent time cracking the crawdads to save the meat for gumbo. While I struggled to get the meat out by myself, I quickly became quite skilled at cracking the tails off (as shown in the photo).
A list of the first-time meats I tried follows, and none of them tasted bad at all. Quail, moose and axis were my top three and for anyone who has eaten with me in the past, that should come as quite a surprise. And for those who haven't, my previous favorite meals could all be found on the kid's menu. I still like all those things, but now that I don't allow fear to rule my life, I enjoy trying new things too.
Crawfish
Moose
Deer
Elk
Axis
Quail
I was quite proud of myself for trying so many new things and realizing I could enjoy foods I would have previously said, I'd never even try. Anytime I'm tempted to say never now, I make myself figure out what the real fear or aversion is because the use of never is rarely about what it appears to be on the surface.
This photo was taken the second day of our visit outside a barbecue restaurant where we had lunch. A gentleman was playing guitar and singing, so they danced along, and it warmed my heart to see them so happy. My friend often sends me Snapchats of their activities, so getting to see them firsthand was such a joy. In the photo I noticed him holding her hand and it reminded me of the turbulence we experienced on the flight there.
Until about five years ago I needed Xanax to get through a flight, even a smooth one, so the extreme turbulence we experienced for 20-30 minutes straight was a lot for me to handle even now. My daughter saw I had forgotten my earbuds, so she let me borrow hers knowing how music calms me as they had already announced at the gate before we left there wouldn't be any service or getting up during the flight because of the expected turbulence on our two-hour flight. I closed my eyes tight and concentrated on the music thinking of memories that arose with each song, but with all the movement I was still quite uneasy. When it got really, really rough and the "drops" began, I was starting to wonder if I was going to make it until...
My daughter reached over and held my hand. That brought me peace. Nothing changed about the situation, but I no longer felt I was enduring it alone. She had my hand firmly in her grasp, and I was squeezing hers tightly, perhaps more tightly than she would have wanted at times. We were going through it together.
That's what happens when we are real. We can acknowledge our fears and we can reach out and hold a hand to get through whatever happens in this life. As someone who endured hopelessness alone for 50+ years, the following is one of my favorite paragraphs in the book.
Excerpt from Brave Enough to be Bliss
Section V Being Real, Chapter 12—A Soul Connection
The meaning of life is to enjoy every single precious moment of now. Period. While it is here. That’s it. Enjoy it while we have it. Now. Let fear go knowing we do not and cannot control the future. And when things change and the loss or the pain or the diagnosis comes, to accept the reality of it, not run from it, but embrace it as our reality and find a way to breathe into it with people around us to help carry us through it no matter the outcome. Hopelessness isn’t the diagnosis. Hopelessness is when we believe there’s no one there to share it with us. That is when it becomes overwhelming, and the end is the only option. When we tell ourselves a lie that no one can understand. When we refuse to reach out for help. When we believe we are alone, and no one cares. That is when we lose hope for living. Accepting our reality as it is, accepting help from others or asking for it if it doesn’t automatically come and looking around to give help wherever we can, those are the brave steps toward living a life that is full and real and worthwhile.
And yet having written all that, believing it wholeheartedly, it's still so hard sometimes to ask for help.
Excerpt from Brave Enough to be Bliss
Section VI Living Bliss, Chapter 8—The Shack
Sitting there, alone with my tears, I needed him desperately, so why didn’t I just call and tell him that? Why was it so hard to say, I need you. It was a bicycle accident moment for me, but I refused to ask for help and instead suffered in silence. He had demonstrated how to be vulnerable and ask for help. He had shown me how to trust. He had been there for me the couple times I had specifically asked for help. So why not now? Why didn’t I tell him how desperately I needed him?
Relationships of all kinds were negatively impacted when I hid my fears and refused to ask for help and after decades pretending, I didn't ever need help and I was fine on my own, it has been difficult to learn new behaviors. Having people like my daughter in my life who can recognize when I'm scared and who don't wait for me to reach out and instead just grab my hand when I'm suffering alone, sure make it easier.
Look around today, see who might be experiencing their own kind of turbulence, and reach out to hold a hand. Or if you're suffering alone, reach out and grab a hand like I should have.
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