In late April after unexpectedly losing my job, I decided to put my house on the market so I would be ready to move out of the area if that's where the next step in my career takes me. It was a solid financial decision that I won't regret, and I was aware there could be mixed feelings when it sold.
I signed the contract for the sale on June 21. I moved the few things I'm taking with me on July 25 and everything else was moved out the following day. The sale closed today, July 31. Initially when I signed the contract it was a relief as expected, but then as I looked around the house, I was reminded of all the memories made and those mixed feelings began to well up in my eyes. One would think since I've only lived here five and a half years, it wouldn't be that hard to leave. But it is.
This is the house where I cried buckets and buckets of tears. In fact, more tears than I had cried in my entire lifetime hundreds of times over. This is the house where I welcomed people in, and I let people go. This is the house where I hurt and where I healed the most. This is the house where I learned to sit still and quiet listening to that small voice deep inside my soul. This is the house where I practiced dancing like no one was watching. This is the house where I began to not hate my physical body as much which allowed me to actually "feel" touch without simultaneously criticizing the part of me that was being touched. This is the house where someone literally ran over when I reached out for help. And even though I lived alone, this is where I felt more loved and cared for than ever before because I had learned to receive those gifts not only give them. This is the house where I learned I can be brave. This is the house where I learned to feel safe.
And then it occurred to me, this is the house where I learned to build a home within myself. The physical structure is the house, but when I speak of my home the definition from www.thefreedictionary.com best describes what I'm referring to.
"An environment offering security and happiness."
"A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin."
All my life I had been searching for someone or something that could give me that feeling of home, but it had been elusive. The answer seems so obvious now that I have learned it, but there were many layers to work through before it would all make sense. It turns out I was destined for failure because all those years I was searching outside of myself when I was the only one who could build my home. I had attempted to feel better many times in my life with unhealthy coping through excessive working, medication, counselors, positivity, denial, etc. but nothing ever stuck except the feeling deep inside that there was something wrong with me.
But this time, when I got really serious about doing the hard work on myself and was willing to go wherever I needed to go no matter how painful it was, that's when I began to see that the blueprints could become reality even for me. It started by laying a firm foundation of self-compassion. Then there was serious work on the wiring, especially in my brain. After that there was the framing which came through in self-reflection and deep thought around my values and the vision for my life. And the rest I believe will always be under construction because I want my home to be an open concept with the ability to change all the finishes as I continue to learn and grow.
So, while there were mixed feelings for a few weeks about the thought of leaving this house, today there is only the deeply rooted feeling that no matter where I end up living, I will always be at home.
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