I am in it with all my heart...

When I started this journey, it wasn't because I suddenly had a deep desire to dig into the depths of my heart and soul to uncover everything I had buried through the years, or to figure out all the coping mechanisms I had developed in order to keep them under wraps, or to understand why I did or said or thought all the things I did that often hurt me and likely hurt those I loved. In fact, I wanted to keep running like hell in the other direction...but even more than I "wanted" to keep running, I "needed" to become a better role model for my daughter.

I had learned by that point I could tell her all the right things, like how important it was to feel one's feelings, not to shy away from having hard conversations, to say what was in our hearts, etc. but she was watching my actions and my actions were not consistent with my words. So I started to do the hard work of figuring myself out so I wouldn't continue to be a hypocrite to the most important person in my life. As I began the work, she meant enough to me to motivate change, but eventually I would begin to mean that much to myself in order to sustain the motivation it took to do the hardest and most pivotal work of my life.

A few months ago, I went to the Immersive Van Gogh Exhibit in Kansas City. I had always told myself I had no artistic ability or understanding, so I really wasn't sure what to expect but honestly I was pretty sure I wouldn't "get it." To my surprise, I found the exhibit quite moving. I knew nothing about Vincent Van Gogh, but before you enter the exhibit there is a timeline on the walls with information about him to read.

The short story is that he struggled with severe depression and ended his life by suicide at age 37. As I sat there looking at his art and hearing the music that played along with the exhibit, my heart ached for him. I could see the pain in the eyes of the people he painted, including his own. I could sense the periods when he must have felt hopeful as his art seemed to change briefly, but just as soon it would return to the empty, hurting eyes.

I was drawn into the exhibit because I allowed the story of his life, the art and the music to touch my heart and soul. I wouldn't have been able to do that a few years back. I would have endured it and left feeling glad it was over. I would have said something polite to the person I went with, but I wouldn't have meant it. I wouldn't have enjoyed it or fully experienced it because it would have scared the crap out of me to be faced with pain while I was running from my own. So I would have continued to believe I didn't like or understand art and missed out on one of the most beautiful and eye opening experiences of my life.

This is the week where we hear, read and see lots of things related to new year's resolutions. There are experts who say don't have them, then others who say have them but here's what you need to do to keep them, then others have opposite methods that are guaranteed to work. It's the same with so many things in life...new research studies, experts all telling us what we need to do and then before long the recommendations change again. It can be confusing, overwhelming and sometimes disheartening, but I believe the most effective and sustainable answers are within each of us if we are brave enough to uncover them.

My advice to anyone desiring real change in their lives can be summed up with this Vincent Van Gogh quote that I took a photo of as I left the exhibit. If we keep seeking to understand ourselves and our behaviors, if we keep striving by showing ourselves compassion and not giving up, and if we are in it with all our hearts the chances of lasting change are much greater.

My sincere best wishes to each of you for a new year where you find within yourselves all the joy, peace and love you so deserve.

#braveenoughtobebliss #vangogh #mentalhealth #healing #change #love #heart #selfcompassion #compassion #brave