When we are young, our beliefs are based on what we have been told by our family, friends, clergy, teachers, coaches, etc. as well as through our own experiences. All of these messages we hear as well as the experiences, especially traumatic ones, shape us into the adults we will become.
But how often as adults, do we question ourselves and what we believe? As adults, we have the power to decide for ourselves what we believe is true for us. We get to choose for ourselves what values we want to live by. For instance, we may have been taught to judge people who are different from us, but if we are brave enough to tap into our hearts and souls, we may choose differently.
I'm not proud of some of the things I used to think, but I have compassion for myself for not knowing then what I know better now. These thoughts stemmed from driving past homeless people and not knowing what to do. My heart always wanted to help, but I was scared and I heard what some people thought about giving them money and I wasn't sure what to do. Writing this inspired me to use seed money I had received as a gift to buy birthday cards and in them I wrote a message that said in case they hadn't received a birthday card this year, I wanted them to know that I was glad they had been born and I'm celebrating their birthday today. I said I was so very sorry for any pain they have suffered in their lives. I apologized for any time I may have passed by and not at least acknowledged them. I explained the enclosed message (what you will read below) was to help them understand when people are unkind, it is not a reflection of them but rather those of us who drive by. I explained that while the enclosed cash gift may not be able to help much, it comes from my heart with a pledge that I will keep trying to find ways that I can better help anyone who needs it.
I hope after reading this you will be moved to reflect on your beliefs, some of which you may have had since childhood and never questioned. I also hope you will think about your judgements of people who aren't like you with not only your head, but also your heart and soul. The point isn't for you to agree with anything I've said, it is for you to walk through the exercise so at least you can feel confident that you have asked yourself tough questions about humanity and not wait until you are on your death bed to figure out for yourself the things that really make life worth living for you.
Fear, one of the most basic human emotions, is quite powerful. It was built into our nervous systems to protect us and help us feel safe. Fear behaves like an instinct which is why sometimes we don't even realize that is what is driving our behavior. Fear can lead us to say and do things that surprise us as much as anyone else, but then sometimes shame leads us to stick with those thoughts instead of questioning them and digging into where the fear arises from within us.
Fortunately, compassion for ourselves and others is also powerful. According to the Greater Good Science Center, "Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” Among emotion researchers, it is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering." Dr. Kristin Neff has spent the past decade studying self-compassion and "found that people who are compassionate to themselves are much less likely to be depressed, anxious, and stressed, and are much more likely to be happy, resilient, and optimistic about their future. In short, they have better mental health."
So if by chance as you read this you are led to start feeling badly about a particular past behavior, please remember to show self-compassion for we are all human. And every day we have the opportunity to be even better humans.
Slavery, racism, childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, human trafficking, murder...
I used to think the people who hurt others in these ways were inherently bad or evil people. I truly could not imagine how someone could harm another person, especially a child. Now I think there are hurt people who become sick people who do these things.
Poverty, homelessness, mental illness, addiction, suicide...
I used to think surely people who suffered in ways like these really could do something to help themselves if they just tried hard enough. Now I think there are people who cannot help themselves and it is up to all of us to help them however we can.
I used to think people wouldn't talk about things like rape because it was something to be ashamed of. Now I think people are just terrified it could happen to them or someone they love, so they avoid the topic at all costs.
I used to think no one talked about unpleasant, painful things because it wasn't polite to discuss them. Now I think we are all just so scared of feeling our own pain that we are unable to consider someone else's.
Our individual pain is so scary that we deny it thinking that is the solution. But in reality, it only adds to our load. And because we cannot manage our own pain we cannot help each other. We are exhausted, sad and sometimes run out of hope.
All of these things that we do not personally experience, the acknowledgment that they are happening every single day on this earth is overwhelming. Thinking about these things terrifies us all. It makes us feel helpless and since we cannot immediately stop them from ever happening, we just don’t want to discuss, believe or even try to stop them because what if we cannot. There is no guaranteed safety if we can't stop all these bad things from happening, and that would leave us with a feeling of complete and utter lack of control.
And sometimes we do not tell even as the receivers of such abuses, or we attempt to tell but are shut down and don’t keep trying because sometimes that is even more painful than the original abuse. Or our brains hide those memories somewhere so far away we cannot access them because there are some things that are just too painful to relive again and again and again even if only this time in our minds.
There are some things that cannot even be put into words. There are some things that are simply beyond our comprehension. These are human beings doing these unspeakable things to other human beings. So, we are too scared to even believe they are true, because if they are true, we would have to face the fact they could happen to anyone.
And the people who are doing these hurtful things to someone, or even to us, these are actual people too. These people may have parents, siblings, children or spouses who love them unaware of how they are hurting others. Or perhaps they have no one who loves them and that’s scary too. And sometimes these people who are hurting us, we love them and they love us, and that’s the ultimate mindfuck.* And it's likely they had the same or other terrible things done to them contributing to them becoming so sick they could treat other human beings in these ways.
But we don’t want to admit that. We call them animals. We treat them worse than we treat animals sometimes. We don’t want to believe they are human because if they are, we would have to ask ourselves, if one day that could be us or someone we know? So, we live in judgement of people we do not even know because it’s easier and safer to live there than to learn about the human behind the behavior.
That is why we laugh, that is why we get defensive and angry, that is why we argue, that is why we don't listen, that is why we look away, that is why we refuse to talk about it, that is why we think we heard something incorrectly, that is why we think there must be a misunderstanding or confusion, that is why we change the conversation, that is why we are adamant it cannot be happening or why it must only happen to "those" people, however we define "those" as long as they are different from us…our brains simply cannot fathom the depth of another’s pain at such horrors so we look for any excuse not to acknowledge the reality.
We shut down what we cannot process. We shut down what is too scary to try to understand. We shut down what, if we fully allowed ourselves to feel would bring us to our knees.
And people keep getting hurt. And as long as people keep getting hurt in these unspeakable ways, there will be the consequences of hurt people continuing to hurt people, shamed people continuing to live in shame.
But that’s it…that’s where we need to be. On our knees. Holding each other tight. Feeling each other’s pain. Unbearable pain isn’t unbearable once it is shared. Unbearable shame isn’t unbearable once it is shared.
Compassion for ourselves. Compassion for each other is the only thing that will give us any sense of peace. Humans are not ever going to be perfect, but we do have the knowledge today to help ourselves and help each other do better, be wiser, be kinder, be more loving, face our fears, stop responding with controlling behaviors but rather with loving behaviors that truly can help change the world one life at a time. It starts with challenging our current thinking, then changing the resulting behaviors, then opening our hearts and minds to each other, then offering to share what we have with each other out of goodness and mercy and loving kindness.
*While this word may offend some, please do not judge what you may not be able to understand. Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse have described it that way, so they deserve for me to use the appropriate word to adequately describe it. The definition is: a disturbing or extremely confusing experience, in particular one that is caused by deliberate psychological manipulation.
Loved the read. No doubt, hurt people hurt people. I’m here, supporting you, following your journey. Beautiful words, always.