I have had a Notes entry in my phone since September 2018 that has a paraphrased version of The Four Questions from The Work of Byron Katie (https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/).
My self-compassion coach had challenged me to write down all the things I made up in my mind for one day. In case you don't do that or aren't aware you do, I will give you some examples of the types of things that used to cross my mind.
My friend is being unusually quiet today. I wonder what I said last night in a text that might have upset her. She must be mad at me.
My spouse didn't take clean clothes from the steps up to the bedroom when he went upstairs. If he really loved me, he would know how tired I am and he would do more to help.
My boss usually gives those types of assignments to me, but he didn't this time. I bet it's because when he asked my opinion on that issue last week I answered honestly instead of saying what he wanted to hear.
This dress looks awful on me. I am fat and ugly.
My colleague looked away when I walked by. I always knew she didn't like me.
My daughter didn't ask me to go somewhere with her, she must be embarrassed of me.
All the moms who bring homemade treats to my daughter's class think I'm a bad mom because they aren't homemade.
My mother-in-law doesn't think I'm good enough for her son because my house isn't as spotless as hers.
It's an exhausting list just to read, isn't it? I could be embarrassed, but I simply didn't know then what I know now. I had no awareness before it was brought to my attention that I was creating my own misery believing that I knew what everyone else was thinking, blaming myself for most anything and everything, and worrying about what everyone else was thinking and feeling when I had absolutely no way of knowing without asking and I certainly didn't do that.
My coach recommended the book, Loving What Is, by Byron Katie and it made such an impact on me. I immediately typed in what I remembered hearing from the audiobook and when something troubling came to my mind, I worked through the questions and most often soon realized I was making things up in my mind again. While I don't have to refer to the questions on a daily basis anymore, it is still helpful from time to time and I'm not sure I'll ever delete that Notes entry because it also serves as a reminder of how far I've come.
These may not be textbook answers for how to handle these situations, but I think they're a vast improvement. And I'm not striving for perfection, just real, honest relationships with real, honest people who are trying to learn and grow and do better today than yesterday.
My friend is being unusually quiet today. I wonder what I said last night in a text that might have upset her. She must be mad at me. TODAY I WOULD ASK WITHOUT THINKING IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME: YOU'RE UNUSUALLY QUIET TODAY, IS THERE ANYTHING BOTHERING YOU?
My spouse didn't take clean clothes from the steps up to the bedroom when he went upstairs. If he really loved me, he would know how tired I am and he would do more to help. TODAY I WOULD KNOW THERE IS RESEARCH SHOWING ACTUAL VISUAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES SO HE LIKELY DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE CLOTHES WHEN HE WENT UPSTAIRS BECAUSE I SET THEM ON THE SIDE OF THE STEPS RIGHT BY THE RAILING FOR SAFETY WHICH TOOK THEM OUT OF HIS DIRECT LINE OF SIGHT. AND I WOULD RECOGNIZE IF I WANTED HIM TO KNOW HOW TIRED I WAS OR THAT I WANTED HIM TO HELP ME, I WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE TO SAY THOSE WORDS DIRECTLY TO HIM. AND I WOULDN'T EQUATE A COMMUNICATION ISSUE WITH A LACK OF LOVE.
My boss usually gives those types of assignments to me, but he didn't this time. I bet it's because when he asked my opinion on that issue last week I answered honestly instead of saying what he wanted to hear. TODAY IF I EVEN NOTICED, I WOULD BE HAPPY I DIDN'T HAVE ONE MORE THING TO DO.
This dress looks awful on me. I am fat and ugly. TODAY I WOULD SIMPLY GET RID OF THE DRESS IF I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD IN IT, BUT IT WOULDN'T LEAD ME TO SAY MEAN THINGS TO MYSELF.
My colleague looked away when I walked by. I always knew she didn't like me. TODAY I WOULD BE THE FIRST ONE TO SAY HELLO AND SMILE SO SHE WOULDN'T HAVE A CHANCE TO LOOK AWAY. I CANNOT CONTROL WHETHER SHE LIKES ME OR NOT, BUT I CAN MAKE SURE I AM BEING TRUE TO MYSELF IN SHOWING HER KINDNESS.
My daughter didn't ask me to go somewhere with her, she must be embarrassed of me. TODAY I WOULD DIRECTLY ASK HER WHY IF I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT IT, BUT IT LIKELY WOULDN'T ENTER MY MIND BECAUSE I WOULD SIMPLY BE GRATEFUL FOR WHATEVER SHE DOES WANT TO DO WITH ME.
All the moms who bring homemade treats to my daughter's class think I'm a bad mom because they aren't homemade. TODAY I KNOW THAT TREATS ARE NOT A VALID INDICATION OF MOTHERING ABILITY AND I'D JUST BE PRETTY PROUD OF MYSELF FOR ACTUALLY REMEMBERING TO BUY THEM.
My mother-in-law doesn't think I'm good enough for her son because my house isn't as spotless as hers. TODAY I WOULD JUST BE MY IMPERFECT SELF, NOT WORRY ABOUT MAKING THE HOUSE SPOTLESS BUT INSTEAD FOCUS ON CREATING A WARM, INVITING ENVIRONMENT THAT WOULD HELP FOSTER A REAL, OPEN AND HONEST RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.
You may not make up things that seem as obvious as these examples, but I would guess most everyone does it from time to time. I would challenge you to pay attention for one full 24-hour period and whenever you have some negative thought enter your mind or a conflict arise, use The Four Questions to check yourself. There is a lot more information on the website about how to properly work through The Four Questions, but if you're just starting to become aware of your thoughts and behaviors, it might be a little too much so you can keep it simple and return to learn more about The Work at a later date.
If all you do is become aware of your thoughts and realize that sometimes you come to conclusions that aren't necessarily true, that will be big progress and has the potential to improve all your relationships. Have fun with it and I'd love to hear from you if you have any interesting realizations.
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