I attended a very moving Celebration of Life service this week. It's hard to tell exactly how many people were in attendance, but I would guess it was around 400-500. The deceased was a 46-year-old loving, dynamic, humorous, well-respected professional, community volunteer, husband, and father.
It would have been so easy only to mention these positive qualities and leave anything else unsaid and unknown except to those in his inner circle. However, the decision was made to share he had a very difficult childhood where he had a process of checking in with his mother to find out if it was safe at that time for him to come inside after school. His father made some bad investments, lost everything and ultimately died by suicide. It was shared that in 2016 he started using prescription medication to deal with his pain. It was shared that this addiction changed his personality. It was shared that for the past three months he had been clean. While it has not yet been confirmed by autopsy results, the thought is the addiction led to heart damage that resulted in his death. It was shared he would want his struggle to be talked about in the hopes it could encourage someone else to get help sooner.
Nearly 20 years ago, I served on a board for an organization led by his wife and while I knew her only in this professional capacity, she was such an impressive human being, when I heard the news of his passing, I felt I needed to go to let her know I care. Knowing her even a little bit, it wasn't surprising she would make the brave decision to share the struggle as well as the accolades from his life. Even in her pain, she chose to help others. Their commitment to family, friends, community and causes dear to their hearts came across loud and clear in the service and I have the utmost respect for both of them.
Earlier in the week, my daughter and I went to Miracle on The Plaza which has been a tradition for us dating back to when the pop-up Christmas bar only had one location downtown. With Miracle fresh on my mind, when I left the service all I could think about was what a miracle it was I hadn't turned to medication, alcohol, or other types of drugs to cope with my own pain. Having had migraines since I was 12 years old, it would have been easy for me to become addicted to prescription medications but because I feared most things, I also feared addiction. And in retrospect, I also think I didn't turn to alcohol or drugs because they would have made me feel out of control and that was scarier to me than any potential benefit of a temporary escape. So, in this case at least, perhaps my fear was a blessing.
Among the many experts I've listened to over the past few years, Gabor Maté is one I have learned so much from. I really appreciate his definition of addiction because it helps people understand it from a perspective of compassion since everyone can relate to pain in one way or another. He says, "The first question in addiction for me is not why the addiction, but why the pain."
In case you don't have a TikTok account, I have uploaded the video and encourage you to take 93 seconds to listen. https://www.tiktok.com/@miindset.mastery/video/7309460464189164831?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7246768884540016174
While I didn't use drugs or alcohol, the most typical addictions we hear about in our society, I coped by working excessively and binge eating. While to a lesser degree than many addictions, even these had negative consequences for my relationships and life. And it wasn't until I faced my pain and began to work through it that I was able to gain control of these areas of my life, release the shame and begin to repair the damage.
Today I learned about the birth of a friend's first grandchild. Looking at the photos, seeing the joy on these first-time grandparents' faces reminded me of what a true miracle each child is. Unfortunately, there are too many children in this world who are not loved and adored as this little one will be. Even for those children who are loved and adored, harm can still come to them in so many ways that are out of parental control. And since life isn't perfect virtually all children will grow into adults who will need to heal from something.
That is the key, though, choosing as an adult to heal so we can do better for our children, grandchildren, all our loved ones and society at large. Unhealed pain so often leads to additional pain no matter how much we think we can run from it, dull it with substances, stuff it down with food or simply not think about it keeping constantly busy with other things. Unhealed pain affects how we think and how we act primarily in unhealthy and negative ways.
My heart goes out to my former colleague and her family. I am hoping by sharing a little bit of her husband's story, people will reflect on their own coping mechanisms or addictions, how they may be affecting those they love and how some may have the potential to lead to a loss of life and even more pain than what they were originally used to dull.
If there's any thought that whatever you need to heal from is beyond repair, please know it isn't true. I understand the thought because my brain told me that for years too, but it's just a thought driven by fear. You'll likely be reminded of another life ended too soon when you watch the video below. You are worth the hard work it takes to heal which may seem like it would take a miracle, but miracles can happen when you believe, and then one day, your story of healing will be someone else's miracle.
My little miracle baby may be all grown up now, but she will forever be my miracle. And I will forever be grateful for the miracle of healing that has not only kept me alive to celebrate with her but has taught me how to thrive. Christmas and the new year are perfect times for miracles and new beginnings. I believe in miracles, and I believe in you.
#braveenoughtobebliss #miracles #healing #addiction #depression #mentalhealth #coping #selfcompassion #compassion #hope #brave
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