Letting go and embracing the unknown...

This photo shows the full extent of my worldly possessions other than a carload of clothes and supplies I'm taking to Table Rock Lake where I'll be writing through the end of March.

Eight years ago, when I moved into a new house, I was exhausted and told my realtor, who is also a dear friend, that I'd never move again. She's smart, experienced, and honest, so she told me it was more likely that I would. I then restated and said, "I will never move all this 'stuff' again." We were both right, I did have to contact her to sell my house last spring and I did get rid of most everything.

It was a strange experience to part with so many material possessions all at once. I really loved that house and everything in it, but I felt in my heart it was time to let it all go. So, I simply didn't dwell on the money invested or the possibility of someday needing something I was getting rid of. Instead, I focused on the freedom that comes with having less stuff to provide space for, clean, and maintain, as well as the increased time and decreased costs associated with having less stuff.

I moved these items into storage last week from the apartment where I had a short-term lease. As I placed the order for clothes racks, I remember thinking, I'll just throw sheets over the top. But when I prepared to take the racks to storage, I started laughing because I don't own sheets since I don't own a bed. (My daughter is kindly letting me borrow extra ones she had.)

After placing the last few items inside the storage unit, I started pulling the door down, but stopped. As I stood there looking at the few tangible things I have left, I also began thinking about the fact I have no job and no home. I know where I'll be the next two months, but after that, I have no clue. And that made me realize just how much I have grown. I may not have much of what I used to think provided security, but I have more peace, more clarity, and more trust in myself that I am becoming the person I was created to be, doing something God is leading me to do.

Like every step of my journey, however, it is only possible because I was willing to enter the darkness for the opportunity to one day step into the light I am now beginning to experience. The darkness wasn't really the hurtful events from the past, although I did have to work through them, it's what I told myself they meant about me in my present that created the problems. It was my scared brain that was creating my ongoing suffering which can be a tough thing to accept as it's always easier to blame someone or something else. But the good news was, I had learned self-compassion, and I was in control of the decision to learn how to change the way my brain works.

Once I got completely honest with myself, my brain and life became something like a puzzle. I would uncover something, I would get curious instead of critical, and I would invest time, energy, and effort into figuring it out. Sometimes I could talk it through and the answer was right there and seemed so obvious. Other times it would take days, weeks or months until a clear answer surfaced. Sometimes it made me laugh. Sometimes it made me cry. Sometimes it led to an apology when I realized how it had affected a relationship. Sometimes it led me to apologize to myself for treating myself more poorly than anyone else ever has.

One example of this puzzle solving came last summer as I moved out of the house. The oil lamp in the photo below is one we had received at my former husband's work holiday party more than 20 years ago. It was unique and quite lovely, and I enjoyed it in six different kitchens throughout the years. It wasn't easy to move because it had to be hand-held in order for the oil not to spill out and yet of all the items I got rid of, I just didn't even consider giving that piece up until the last day in the house. Logically it made no sense to keep it, so right after I left to donate a last carload of kitchen items to the Healing House, I sent a text to my daughter asking her to put it with everything else that was being taken away the next morning. I then proceeded to ugly cry the whole way there not even caring who may have seen me at stop lights. I regained my composure in the Healing House parking lot and sat there for a bit trying to give my face time to look normal again before I took everything inside.

On the way back home, I really started trying to figure out why letting it go had been so upsetting to me. I reflected on carefully holding it on the way home from the party and where we placed it in the little kitchen of the first home we owned. Then I thought about planning and building our next house where the oil lamp sat on a ledge above the sink in front of the window of that kitchen. Then it hit me. The oil lamp represented our little family of three. While I had been divorced for more than a dozen years, this was the one tangible item I had left that represented that time period of my life. I had assigned meaning to it so that's why I carried it so gently through each of the next four moves I made after we divorced. But now, it was time to let it go and that had required some grieving. After I felt the sadness and figured out why it was painful, I was at peace knowing I still have all the memories and my daughter is the most real representation of our family of three. I no longer needed the "thing" I had been carrying around all those years because I have her and I have memories to carry with me and they don't spill oil anywhere.

If I hadn't figured all that out, though, I later could have ended up questioning myself or regretting the decision to let the oil lamp go. In my experience, the thing we think we're upset about usually isn't the real answer...the real one lies beneath the easy one(s) and although sometimes difficult and painful to uncover, it's the one that brings freedom. I firmly believe it's worth pushing through the fear to get to the answers we have within ourselves. We just have to be brave enough to look.

I've learned to let go of many things and am embracing the possibility that lies within the unknown. And when fearful thoughts creep into my brain from time to time, I don't allow them to guide me, instead I listen closely to the wisdom and confidence within my heart and soul.

“What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

#braveenoughtobebliss #mentalhealth #compassion #selfcompassion #courage #simplify #darkness #light #hope #trust #unknown #fear