This is the graphic from my book's first section title page and if I could wrap up the entire book into one sentence, this would be it...
Many of us are just hurt people fearful of further pain desperately clinging to the illusion of control trying to prevent future suffering not understanding the misery we are generating for ourselves and others along the way.
I sold my house and virtually everything I owned in July 2023, and spent the past year unemployed in order to write and self-publish what turned out to be a 458-page book that I will make absolutely no profit from. The digital book will be available for free and printed copies can be purchased at cost on my website starting October 21.
I chose not to work with a publisher because I felt led to share the book as my gift to anyone interested in reading it, but also because I am writing about very painful subjects including self-hatred, suicide, sexual assault, child sexual abuse, spirituality, patriotism, discrimination, challenges between men and women, parenting, the healthcare system, grief, love, binge eating, marriage, divorce, infidelity, addiction, pornography, discrimination, leadership, homelessness, etc. It was vital to me that my words remain intact because fear would lead most editors to tone them down versus share all the painful parts of life and how many of them can and did impact my relationships.
When sales and profit are taken out of the equation there is no fear in sharing everything. I do not tell readers what to do or think. I speak no ill will of anyone else. I simply share the thoughts and feelings that arose from my healing and spiritual journey. The process of learning self-compassion allowed for loving self-reflection and ultimately led to enhanced compassion for all other struggling humans including the ones who hurt me.
I ask readers to reflect on their own lives to see where fear and the resulting controlling behaviors may have harmed their relationships, and thus their lives. And then I challenge them to think about how if we all took personal responsibility for our relationships, we could then build healthier and happier families, neighborhoods, cities, and eventually a country and world where people matter more than power. I attempt to touch people's hearts and souls; I don't try to change their scared brains as that is something only they can do. But I believe if we were all tapped into our hearts and souls, we would be a lot closer to being the kind of humans we were created to be.
The book utilizes personal photos, so I become real to the reader, as well as links to music, Instagram, TikTok videos, and quotes throughout to help readers feel their feelings instead of running from them. In the last section, while at the time I didn't record them to share, I later made the decision to provide access to real videos from my healing journey so readers can visually see and hear the results of facing fears and healing rather than only read about them. There are Resource links at the end of each chapter with primarily free resources available on the internet so perhaps those too scared or without the financial means to seek mental health support, can begin to learn on their own and perhaps one day reach out for more help feeling change is actually possible.
I am choosing to share my whole good, bad and ugly story with the world in the hopes of inspiring others to share their painful stories with one trusted friend, family member or mental health professional. I have always been able to see the hidden pain in other people and decided to do something to try to help alleviate some of this world's suffering. I am just one flawed human daring to take the biggest risk of her life to help this hurting country and eventually our world. I believe if I can help people feel again, we have a chance to make a real difference. I'm just one person trying to do some little bit of good by providing hope for healing to other hurting humans.
I finished writing at Table Rock Lake on May 21, but it turns out as much as I wanted the book to be finished, it wasn't. I had one more chapter to write...and I fought it, which always extends the timeframe that would have originally existed. I could have begun my healing journey decades ago, but instead it started at age 50. I could have written the final chapter in June when it came to me that I needed to add it to the book. But the fear and avoidance of pain kept me from actually writing it for nearly two months. I had six sections and 65 chapters written in less than one year, but it took me two months for the final chapter. That's what fear and shame does when we keep it inside. It grows, it festers, and it dominates our lives in a way that doesn't move us forward but keeps us stuck in the pain we think we cannot bear.
The book's Afterword is a video instead of a note from the author. I thought readers might be interested in seeing and hearing from Ginger Rothhaas, my self-compassion coach, since I talk so much about her throughout the book. During the recording of the video, she said the following and I absolutely love the analogy.
"When we are stuffing our stories and carrying them around, it's like we have open paper cuts all over and lemon juice raining down on us all day. And so, it hurts, and it stings. And then we're trying to have a normal life and keep a job and raise kids, but we have these open wounds that are getting stung every day and people don't understand why we're snapping at them and we're on edge." Ginger Rothhaas
If you or someone you love feels the sting of an open wound, is willing to consider looking inward for answers and desires hope for healing, my book is for you. My book offers no quick fixes and no guarantees because it's honest and real, and I don't believe quick fixes and guarantees exist. Trust me, I tried many of them attempting to avoid facing the pain and doing the real work on myself. What my book does offer is a reminder that you are not alone in the struggle and that there are many resources, tools and strategies that exist to help you find joy through the pain with self-awareness and effort.
On September 7, 2018, I walked out of Ginger Rothhaas' office after meeting her for the first time with a sliver of hope that maybe one day I could live not wishing I was dead. The following link provides a glimpse of what has happened since embarking on the bravest, hardest, and most pivotal journey of my life.
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