“There is a powerful moment in life when you either decide to tolerate life the way it is or decide to be brave and change it.” Rachel Marie Martin
Many of us have had experiences including just a few examples below that can create demons in our minds if they are not acknowledged, processed and dealt with in healthy ways. I'm using the word demons related to this Merriam-Webster definition, "a source or agent of evil, harm, distress, or ruin."
Abuse/Assault (emotional, physical, sexual)
Neglect/Abandonment (left in the woods/bathroom floor/fire station/dumpster, parental death/divorce/incarceration, foster, adoption, divorce, not provided with adequate medical care, food, clothing, shelter, education)
Unreasonable expectations (parental, societal, self)
Physical Impairment (injury, illness, disease, birth defect, deformity, disability)
When the thoughts, feelings and fears about these experiences are allowed to live behind our eyes, they can become demons because they fester, then grow, and eventually cause or contribute to behaviors and mental health conditions that only add to the pain that already exists.
I have always been able to see the hidden pain in others through their eyes likely because I peered into my own for decades and memorized the look. I write the following in the book Brave Enough To Be Bliss (Section IV, Chapter 6).
That’s how I get to know people, through their eyes. The eyes are windows to the heart and soul. It’s very difficult to lie with your eyes. There is a darkness or light in a person’s eyes that can tell part of one’s story.
"Your experiences don’t define you, you define your experiences. And the meaning you assign to your experiences is what ends up shaping you the most." Dr. Andy Yarborough
Another related book excerpt from the same chapter follows, and the Ginger I refer to is my self-compassion coach.
It wasn’t the act of violence, but rather the story I made up of what it meant about me, and those resulting behaviors, that ruined much of my life.
When I came to this realization, I talked with Ginger about it and she took notes as she sometimes does. As hard as it was to accept, I figured out it was a good thing. If it had truly been the act of violence, the rape, there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to change that. It happened, and nothing would ever alter that fact. But the story I made up in my mind and the resulting behaviors I displayed, those I did have control of and could change. Would it be hard? Yes, very. But having the control and the power to make those changes, that felt good. It felt like healing and hope for the future.
What he did to me at the time felt like endless torture, agony, humiliation…but in reality, the actual length of time was quite brief. The actual amount of time he had control of my body was minimal, but the impact I allowed it to have over my mind and my behavior lasted for decades. But now that I had figured that out, I had had enough, and I was ready to take charge of me. It wouldn’t be easy, but nothing was going to stop me.
While I'm sure I had heard this song previously, last week it's like I heard it for the first time because I really listened to the lyrics not just the melody. In the link below, you will be able to first watch the video (make sure closed captioning is on so you can read the lyrics while you listen). And then after the video, skim through this website's description of the meaning behind the song and see how it does or doesn't match up with your initial interpretation, and then I'll share my interpretation of some of the lyrics and the songwriter's eventual disclosure.
Each line of the Demons lyrics below especially spoke to me.
They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul, I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright, I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now, unless you show me how
First, it's much easier to believe "it's up to fate" because it absolves the individual of any responsibility. We humans often defer to blaming anyone or anything else rather than take personal responsibility for our situations and relationships.
Second and third, believing one's soul is bad gives permission to remain right where a person is and push away anyone who gets too close giving the false sense that it's sacrificing for the other person instead of the reality of simply giving in to the fear that arises when someone feels too close or the feelings about that person are too intense.
Following is a related excerpt from the book in Section V, Chapter 11. (As a reminder, the Ginger referenced is my self-compassion coach.)
One of the most impactful things Ginger helped me do was connect with my soul. When I couldn’t make progress and got painfully honest and down to the core of what was holding me back, I truly felt like there must be something inherently wrong with me. That deep down, there was something so terribly wrong with me that it is why I had been hurt the way I was, why I had been treated the way I was growing up, and why I was ultimately so unlovable.
I still can vividly remember the day when she asked me how I would describe a person’s soul. I described it as the part of a person that is deep within that most of us don’t access often. The part of us we are born with that is pure and good and is where love and light and joy originate.
She followed that answer asking if I thought some babies were born with bad souls. I had to say no because I really don’t believe that there are bad souls. I think people just get hurt and their minds and maybe even hearts get messed up and hardened by the world, but that the core of their existence, their soul is still there as it was. They just can’t connect with it through all the pain and evil other people and the world has created.
And that was an epiphany moment for me that changed everything. If I really believed what I had just said, which I did wholeheartedly, then that meant there was not anything inherently wrong with me that caused me to be hurt.
And that is when I could begin to see myself in a different light and with real compassion because I truly did believe my soul was good. My soul became the part of me I could then build from. I may have hated everything else, but I did not hate my soul. So, I started there and began to be able to see myself through the lens of my soul, the lens of compassion.
And the sliver of hope I had initially found with Ginger widened significantly.
Within the past week, I was learning about attachment styles and ran across the following video. The lyrics make me think that the Demons songwriter could have had a dismissive avoidant attachment style. In a past relationship, knowing both my attachment style and his would have been information that could have helped us understand how the lack of communication about our real feelings and needs was ultimately so confusing to the other. We then could have understood how our natural behaviors based on our unhealed wounds was contributing to each of us pulling away from the other at various times. With honest communication about our own needs and an understanding of the other's needs, we could have made a conscious decision to adjust our behaviors to better support the other.
I share this because if you're struggling in a relationship, take heart but also take action because you still have the chance to repair, learn and grow together instead of giving in to self-sabotage, or as the song says, fate. Both parties in a relationship must be committed to lifelong learning, growth, inquiry and understanding when old wounds surface and affect behaviors. But the key to even get there, is mutual open and honest communication. The following book excerpts from Section VI, Chapter 19 came about as a result of my failed relationship.
When we haven’t invested in healing, we stay stuck to our stories of bitterness, resentment, anger and hurt. With healing, we can begin to see how even out of a painful experience some good may come. It doesn’t mean we couldn’t have experienced that good without the pain, but oftentimes we humans wouldn’t go the places where we could find those things without the challenge. Especially in the world today, we want everything to be too easy. But Life…Is…Hard. And that will never change, so expecting or hoping for easy, only multiplies the hard.
I will never stop believing in the power of love to transform lives, but I have learned that owning and truly embracing my worth, communicating my needs and desires, and upholding my boundaries is the only way I can have a healthy relationship.
If you're interested in finding out your attachment style, take this quiz.
And the fourth line of the lyrics above reminded me of a key reason I write these blogs, published my memoir, and have no shame in sharing my whole story and everyday attempting to give all the love I can to all people, especially those who are hurting and whose behavior is less than ideal. I remember how it feels not to be able to escape the demons, and I have tried to show readers how to do so through a process of self-compassion and brave self-reflection.
When I recently heard the song, I immediately thought about all the people in this world who are struggling inside and within their relationships because they refuse to acknowledge and process through the pain of the past and take responsibility for the present. The songwriter of Demons, Dan Reynolds, began proactively sharing that the real meaning behind many of his songs, including Demons, was his depression.
Dan and I are doing the work, widely sharing our experiences to make it safer for others to share theirs with one person and through that find hope, healing, love and light.
"The ultimate value of doing the work of personal growth is not to only feel better about ourselves. We do the work so that we can contribute to how those around us feel about themselves." Simon Sinek
If you're interested in reading the entire book, the digital book is free and hardback copies can be purchased at cost through the link below. There is no financial gain for me in sharing this book, but you are worth the investment of each and every word.
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