Last weekend I had the opportunity to attend the P!nk concert in Kansas City. When my daughter mentioned wanting to see her more than six months ago, I began listening to her new songs and quickly secured tickets. The following are some very brief excerpts of the lyrics to my favorite songs just to give you a sense of why I particularly connected with them. Hint...I may have some trust issues I'm still working on.
Trustfall
Picture a place where it all doesn't hurt
Where everything's safe, and it doesn't get worse
Turbulence
Hold my hand, hold your breath
And I'll find a place to land
Where you're safe, never break
Where the morning never ends
When you say that you can't
I will watch you dance through this turbulence
Feel Something
To love myself and to love each other
With open arms but my heart's not ready to love you
I'm not ready for this
My feet are getting sore, but I keep running
I do it again and again and again, but I found nothing
I gave my heart to the wolves and they tore it open
I did it again and again and again and I got nothing
But I'll do it again and again and again 'til I feel something
Just Say I'm Sorry
Everybody wants to be the one who's right
Everybody wants the last word to end the fight
Every day is a new day with a chance to choose
Sometimes, the way to win is to say you lose
And you can listen to the song that became my favorite in this video below from the concert or click here to listen online.
Lost Cause
But don't tell me I'm a lost cause
Don't tell me I'm a lost cause
Say you're sick of my guts
But don't tell me I'm a lost cause
Tell me I'm a loser
Tell me I'm a stranger
You don't want to see again
But don't tell me I'm a lost cause
While I would never tell anyone else they are a lost cause, I can recall feeling like a lost cause and telling myself I was one quite often in my past. Dealing with conflict, particularly in a personal situation, is not something I have much experience with because my brain told me it was unsafe to engage in conflict from having witnessed and experienced situations in my past. I chose to simply avoid them at all costs which usually meant the expense was mine by keeping the peace regardless of what I had to give up, even if it was my self-respect. During a recent personal conflict, it was suggested that I learn some communication skills to better express myself during conflict. That stung to hear, but I had done enough work on myself that after the sting subsided, I agreed I hadn't handled myself well and it was time to reach out for help.
I wanted to be better than that. I thought I knew how to be better than that. But in the moment when the conflict arose, I allowed fear to drive my behavior and I reacted poorly. After reflecting on the situation, it also occurred to me that I needed to apologize to a friend who pointed out these behaviors years ago, but at that time, I wasn't yet ready to truly listen and self-reflect. After feeling regret about that and realizing I hadn't made much progress, for a short time, I did feel like and tell myself that perhaps I really was a lost cause in this particular area.
Fortunately, I was able to schedule an appointment with my self-compassion coach and we discussed why I had responded defensively and then shut down which helped me better understand what was going on inside my brain at the time. We also developed a conflict plan I can use to help ensure healthier behavior moving forward and I'm learning some new communication tools to better equip me to accurately express myself when conflicts arise in the future.
I share my struggles so others can be reminded that we all do from time to time. I no longer feel any shame in admitting my imperfections, instead I can acknowledge there is bravery in the willingness to face the struggle head on, learn to understand it and work through it instead of burying it inside where it festers or by masking it with coping mechanisms like drugs, alcohol, food, work or a host of other things. By understanding the struggle, I have a chance to control it versus it remaining there controlling me and hurting my relationships.
For someone who hasn't ever felt like a lost cause, the song may just seem incredibly sad. To me, however, the song reminds me that I'm not the only one who has felt like a lost cause at some point and to refrain from using that phrase against myself regardless of the mistakes I make. The process of healing can be long and painful, and I've come to accept it will never be "over" but rather, I will need to continue to learn and grow throughout my lifetime...and that's enough to ensure I'll never truly be a lost cause.
(By the way, the concert tickets were worth every penny (and they were a lot of pennies). If you get a chance to see her, I highly recommend doing so.)
#pink #conflict #trust #selfcompassion #personalgrowth #selfreflection #mentalhealth #brave #bliss #braveenoughtobebliss
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