In my memoir, I write about telling my daughter, Kylee, I would take a self-defense class after I finished writing the book and returned to Kansas City. I recently followed through with that commitment. After searching online for a class, I decided to enroll in Krav Maga. One business offered three classes to try it out at a low introductory cost, so I also purchased one for Kylee hoping she would go with me.
While I've gotten much better about going places by myself and with trying new things, going to a new place AND trying a new thing by myself can still be a challenge. With Kylee's work schedule as a nurse and the days and times the classes were offered, it wasn't possible to start anytime soon, so I decided to go ahead myself. I knew I was using her as a crutch anyway and needed to be brave.
They do a great job providing some basic self-defense information through an introductory email and video, so I felt as prepared as I could going into my first class. A female instructor worked with me in a private room that evening and I left feeling more knowledgeable having practiced punches, knee strikes and holding her off. I felt awkward, but having previously taken a handful of boxing classes, at least it wasn't completely foreign to hit something.
After this class, I was so grateful I had learned a little bit about boxing a few years back or I likely would have felt overwhelmed. Following is an excerpt from the book, Brave Enough To Be Bliss, about my previous boxing experience.
And I did follow through with learning the basics of boxing. While I only went to about five classes, the last one or two by myself, it was a wonderful feeling of release and power. I didn’t really feel anger yet, so it wasn’t as though I was hitting the bag with any of that. It simply felt empowering to do something I never would have thought I could do. To put on boxing gloves, to hit the bag…those were very hard things to do the first time. They felt awkward. I didn’t know how to do anything when I stepped into that gym. I needed help to learn every punch and I didn’t do the combinations well at all. I wasn’t keeping up, but it didn’t matter. I was learning something new, and it was OK that it was hard and took time to learn. It didn’t matter if other people were there and could have been watching me, or that the instructors were watching me. I was in a room full of mostly very large men who I didn’t know. And yet I was there, and I was safe.
It felt brave. There were mirrors all over the room, but I didn’t look in them and criticize myself. I didn’t need to. It no longer mattered how I looked on the outside, because I felt strong and powerful inside.
After referencing the song Demons previously in a couple blogs, I had a strong feeling there was one more Imagine Dragons song I needed to find. I wasn't sure at the time what I was looking for, but then I heard the song in the link below. As soon as I heard the emphasis on the word PAIN and saw this video, I knew for certain it was the one.
Following the introductory Krav Maga class, I scheduled myself for group classes the following Monday and Tuesday. When I arrived, I watched the other students take off their shoes, so I followed suit. The instructor told us to start running, so we ran around the mats in a circle, then changed direction, then ran backwards, then to the side, then the other side, and reversed, then touched the ground and back up. I'm not in the best shape of my life, and I hadn't done anything like that for years, but I kept up with the other two men who were there with only one stumble. We did some core work including sit ups and pushups, and then the instructor told me he would be my partner for that class since the female instructor I had met the previous week was ill. I loved the workout; it was tough but felt good. We did some punching drills with boxing gloves on, and I did alright. I was wishing I had more experience and was more proficient, but overall, I thought for a first group class I was doing alright. Until...
It came time for this.
But it wasn't a woman on top of me, it was a man. A very strong, expertly trained Krav Maga man. And he was sitting on my chest and choking me...in a safe way, of course. My brain knew I was safe right then and yet my brain and body knew I'd been in this position before when I wasn't safe. It was ironic that of all the escape moves I was taught in those two classes, the first one he happened to teach was the one that was most similar to how I was first held down when I was raped at 17. Since I hadn't known exactly what to expect from the group class, I hadn't prepared myself mentally for how to respond, so I just had to deal with it in the moment. I managed to practice the maneuvers trying to get away, but I didn't do it well and it was difficult to keep my mind in the present.
My body's response during the rape had been to freeze when what was happening to me became too overwhelming (hopper_whymanyrapevictimsdontfightoryell.pdf), so this fighting back was very new and while I knew it was also very good, I had to take just a moment to regroup mentally. The instructor was great, I took a few deep breaths and then said I was ready to begin again. All three of those men couldn't have been more welcoming and encouraging throughout the class and afterward.
As I was putting on my shoes after class, I was talking with the instructor a bit about sexual assault and he happened to mention that he expected women and perhaps men who had been in prison to come to his classes, but he said he had been surprised at the number of men who came from the military and other situations.
I was sore the next day after such different physical activity than I was used to, but I felt good about it and was ready for the next class that evening. There were five male participants and the same male instructor that night, so I was paired with the smallest of the men who was still considerably bigger than me. I felt bad for him having to be my partner since I was still awkward just learning everything, quite slow with combinations and obviously not as strong. I held mitts for the first time while he punched which was my first time doing that and it felt very strange knowing my face wasn't far away from his punches. I held it adequately for him to punch into, but not at full speed or strength. I had to yell "back, back" that night as he approached, and I proceeded the best that I could to push him away with a kick into the bag he was holding before he continued to approach, and I used other techniques trying to hold him off.
And then it was time to do the floor work again, but this wasn't the instructor who I had watched in a video before the first class and who knew exactly what to say to put me at ease. He was simply an unknown, sweaty, bigger, stronger man laying on top of me, holding me down and I didn't like that feeling...at all.
But it brought me back to the first thing I was taught which was how vitally important it is to do everything I can never to be in that position. I'm not convinced I could get away if the man was bigger and stronger than me, which most are, but I can tell you without a doubt, should I ever be in that real-life position again, I won't go down without a fight and that gives me more peace of mind than I've ever had before. As the article I linked above references, there is absolutely no reason to feel shame for a freeze response during trauma, but having had that experience and now knowing how it affected me for years before I was able to understand it and heal from it, it's important to me that I physically feel capable of attempting to handle the situation differently, even if I cannot guarantee I can avoid it or get away from it. I cannot control being overpowered in a moment, but I can control feeling that I learned from the previous experience and did what I could to help myself in the future.
On the drive home that night, I allowed myself to feel all the feelings this experience brought to the surface, but now that I no longer fear tears, they are truly a release that only helps, not hurts.
My goal is to build up my strength, practice the punches so I can do the combinations more confidently, perhaps take some private lessons to get more comfortable and then return and hold my own. While physically and mentally challenging, it was a great experience and one that I believe helped my nervous system considerably. Just like every other time I have faced a fear I come out stronger and more confident about whatever life may throw at me in the future. And that is why healing is so important.
I assure you there is much more to my story than sexual abuse and assault, but those are important elements that led to the self-hatred, as well as behaviors that limited and hurt my relationships, and could have easily ended my life. As the song says, "I'm fired up and tired of the way things have been," so I'm talking about it because I continue to encounter more and more people who have been hurt, haven't previously told anyone, and don't understand how that unresolved pain affects their lives and relationships.
I remember putting on boxing gloves for the first time and feeling extremely emotional but leaving that workout feeling different about myself. Better about myself. It was a big step toward learning it was safe to feel anger and toward learning I already had all the power I needed within me. No one was holding me down anymore, except me.
So, I will have the hard conversations. I will write things that may make people uncomfortable. I will share the sordid details of my life and mixed-up thoughts of my brain with everyone, so those in pain may feel more comfortable telling one trusted person to begin their healing journey until they, too, can join in the song's lyrics saying, "I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea," and have the chance to experience more love, joy and real living as a result.
#braveenoughtobebliss #gbreal #mentalhealth #sexualassault #sexualabuse #suicide #hope #compassion #imaginedragons
If you're interested in reading Brave Enough To Be Bliss in its entirety, the digital book is free, and hardback copies can be purchased at cost through the link below. There is no financial gain for me in sharing this book, but you are worth the investment of each and every word.
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