In memory of Thomas Joseph Karlin May 2, 1994-November 5, 2011, and Joseph Lee Karlin August 19, 1967-December 10, 2024
Through a variety of interesting connections over the past 10 years, I became aware of male sexual abuse and assault. Honestly, before these connections I really only thought about girls and women being hurt in these ways. And since most females don't even share about their painful experiences, it makes total sense why males don't tell either given their societal conditioning.
One of these connections came about because my daughter received a college scholarship from the Tom Karlin Foundation in 2014. The entire story is in my memoir, Brave Enough To Be Bliss, but the high-level overview is that I met Joe Karlin (Tom's dad) at the dinner he and his wife hosted for scholarship recipients and their parents. Following that I had a networking coffee with Joe and volunteered to help him with the Foundation if he ever needed it. He quickly asked me to review some of the Foundation's materials as well as his presentation to high school students about suicide.
During one of our meetings, I vividly remember Joe asking me if he should include in the presentation the reason behind his son's suicide which was previous sexual abuse he hadn't disclosed until the suicide note. It was one of the rare times in my life that I did not think carefully before answering and simply said an emphatic, “Yes.”
He did decide to include it, and I attended the first presentation he gave sharing that piece of information about Tom's suicide. Joe was a great presenter, but it wasn't because of how articulate he was, but rather because his love for his son and his care to reach those in his audience who may be hurting came through loud and clear making him relatable and believable. I not only got to see his extreme compassion that night, but even more his courage and vulnerability. And that moved my respect for him as a human being to an even higher level than it already was.
Just a few months ago, I asked Joe if he would be willing to be interviewed with me about sexual abuse/assault and suicide should an opportunity arise. We had also previously discussed creating a podcast to talk about these topics. While those opportunities hadn't materialized yet, I felt sure we would make an impact raising awareness and leading people away from suicide and toward healing.
Unfortunately, we won't get that chance because last week, Joe passed away from prostate cancer at 57 years of age (FLHW.org | Faith. Love. Hope. Win! The battle against prostate cancer.). I attended the celebration of life for him this morning grateful for the opportunity to have known him and to have learned from him.
This connection with Joe is an example of how people can come into our lives, and at the start, we couldn't possibly anticipate the profound impact they may ultimately have on us. But when we are brave enough to share our hearts with one another, amazing and life-changing connections can be made.
In memory of Joe and his son, and in honor of all boys and men who are abused or assaulted and those who are contemplating or have died by suicide, I will move forward trying to raise awareness on my own because the key to healing for those affected, as well as any possibility of reduction or prevention, is to talk about absolutely everything.
In a blog post on November 17, 2024, Look into my eyes..., I shared the song Demons by Imagine Dragons along with my thoughts about what it meant to me. But the following week as I was driving back to Kansas City after visiting a friend, I instantly heard and visualized the song differently than I had before. That's the great thing about art whether it's music, paintings, sculptures, etc. The artist can have an inspiration and vision for the piece, but then those of us who enjoy the finished product can hear it or view it however we wish.
As I wrote in that blog, when we keep pain behind our eyes, it festers and grows and adds to the pain. Likewise, when we keep topics like sexual abuse and assault under the rug, it festers and grows leading to a society not even aware or so fearful we refuse to become aware or believe how prevalent sexual abuse and assault is in the United States.
And since it isn't perceived to be OK to talk about in our society because we're all so scared it could happen to us or someone we love, most of those sexually abused or assaulted carry around that burden far too long before telling someone. And many never tell anyone taking that pain to their graves far too soon through suicide or after a lifetime of failed relationships or even worse after allowing that pain to come out in ways that lead them to hurt others in the same ways they were hurt.
Following is an excerpt from the book referring to something I had said in my 30s. And I don't think I'm the only one who has had the thought.
I remember saying after a movie or TV show, long before I had any awareness that I had already been raped, that if I were ever taken, I would want to be killed rather than raped or at least killed before I was raped. To be aware I was being raped was a fate worse than death.
Because we have that thought, and more importantly that fear, it shuts down the sharing of experiences, so those who have been hurt truly believe they are alone and there is something wrong with them rather than the perpetrators. And we all contribute to the problem when we do nothing to openly discuss it which would make it safer for those who are hurt to actually report the crime to police or at least get help and begin their healing.
I know it's hard but stick with me even when what I write may make you uncomfortable and/or fearful. Your wife's, husband's, son's, daughter's, sister's, brother's, or friend's well-being could depend on it. Just like the perpetrator could be anyone at all, even when your brain wants to tell you it's only "those" or "bad" people, that's just your brain trying to protect you. But the reality is that there are victims and perpetrators within all groups of people everywhere...every age, gender, ethnicity, socioeconomic status and education level.
I have no knowledge of the songwriter or anyone in Imagine Dragons, this is just what came to me on that drive of a possible way the song Demons could be interpreted.
A young boy involved in his church became a favorite of a leader there which initially felt like a privilege. He trusted the church leader who was looked up to and treated like a "saint." Eventually this man sexually abuses the boy. Surprisingly, the boy does actually tell his parents about what happened. However, they are stunned and don't want anyone to find out telling themselves it is to save the boy "embarrassment." The parents report the abuse to the church hierarchy, and the parents accept a large sum of money in exchange for their silence which tightly seals their son's shame. Soon after, the abuser takes his own life rather than face his peers and punishment by being demoted within the church ranks. As an adult, the son is still stuck in shame because he's never talked about the abuse and continues to believe all the things he told himself when he was young like, the abuse was somehow his fault because it was easier to live with that feeling that gave him some control versus the powerlessness and fear that it could happen again. He thinks "he" is a sinner who is going to hell based on what he heard taught in the church that only discusses things as black and white. He believes there is no way out of his current situation, it is his fate, he is doomed and must keep the secret. He tries to have romantic relationships, but anytime he tries to trust someone again, especially if they are intimate sexually, the fear is overwhelming, and he must pull away in order to save himself from the misery of going back to that place in his mind where darkness takes over. So, even though he loves her and wants to be with her, he tells himself he isn't sharing the secret with her in order to protect her. And he goes on living a miserable life with the demons hiding behind his eyes.
Following is a link to the song with the lyrics so you can read the words while you listen.
While it's always difficult to learn about the awful things human beings can do to one another, the link to the movie trailer below is the story of six men's healing journeys. It is a beautiful story of bravery and strength and, while difficult, of how healing is possible. I'm so very glad I watched it several years ago and have just wanted to give each of them the biggest hug for being willing to share their journeys with the world. My hope for each of them is that there are no more demons hiding behind their eyes.
My guess is someone reading this blog is living this story and many others are living something similar. And if you were telling me your story right now, I would say...
Believe: I believe what you are telling me.
Affirm: I’m glad you told me about this.
Support: This was not your fault.
Empower: There are people and resources that can help you.
While this may have been hard to read and tough information to process, please know I share it because whether we have been hurt personally or not, we all have a role to play to help others who have been and our society in general to become more loving and safer for everyone. Perhaps you are now armed with more knowledge than you had before, and you can be better prepared to support someone who may disclose sexual abuse or assault to you at some point in the future. Whenever you're in a group of five men, it is likely at least one has experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime (Sexual Assault Statistics | National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)). Let that sink in. And then let it move you to action that supports a change, even if it's just by being brave enough to bring up the topic of this blog or pass it along to a family member or friend. You may be opening a door for someone's healing journey to begin.
Being sexually abused or assaulted isn't a fate worse than death but not talking about it and healing from it can be.
"Silence is worse; all truths that are kept silent become poisonous." Friedrich Nietzsche
Friedrich Nietzsche Quote Explained: Silence is worse; all truths that are kept silent become poisonous. "In essence, Nietzsche’s quote serves as a cautionary reminder that while the truth may sometimes be uncomfortable to express, the act of withholding it can lead to far more damaging consequences."
Excellent resource: Jim Hopper, Ph.D. | Sexual Abuse of Boys
#braveenoughtobebliss #gbreal #mentalhealth #sexualassault #sexualabuse #suicide #hope #compassion #imaginedragons
If you're interested in reading Brave Enough To Be Bliss in its entirety, the digital book is free, and hardback copies can be purchased at cost through the link below. There is no financial gain for me in sharing this book, but you are worth the investment of each and every word.
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