For 27 years now, I have had the privilege of spending time with my daughter on her actual birthday. If that streak ends, I will completely understand but until it does, I will enjoy every minute being in her presence remembering how on July 15 at 9:24 a.m. all 7 pounds, 10.8 ounces and 18.5 inches of her came into this world and forever changed mine.
I kept a pregnancy journal to give to my daughter and this was my answer to one of the prompts in my first trimester:
This was a very special time for me. Some of my thoughts and feelings were...of disbelief. It was still hard to believe that there was really a little person growing inside of me. Since I hadn't seen any real physical changes yet, it was just so hard to comprehend. But maybe that's the way all miracles are. I was apprehensive that I would do something to harm you without knowing it, too. Overall, though, I was anxious for a sign from you that you were growing and doing well.
"But maybe that's the way all miracles are," that line really struck me when I read it. And then as I teared up thinking about what a miracle she truly is, I also noticed in my writing how I moved from joy in referencing that miracle to what I have now learned is foreboding joy. An article from the HuffPost describes it this way quoting Dr. Brene Brown.
"Calling joy 'terrifying' may seem strange, but Dr. Brown explains that the fear stems from having our joy taken away. “How many of you have ever sat up and thought, ‘Wow, work’s going good, good relationship with my partner, parents seem to be doing okay. Holy crap. Something bad’s going to happen'?” she asks the audience. “You know what that is? [It’s] when we lose our tolerance for vulnerability. Joy becomes foreboding: 'I’m scared it’s going to be taken away. The other shoe’s going to drop…' What we do in moments of joyfulness is, we try to beat vulnerability to the punch.”"
I remember thinking I was being strategic by imagining the worst because then I would be prepared and wouldn't be hurt as badly. That's the way I lived my life until the past few years, trying to avoid pain at all costs. I now understand how much that limited my life in all my relationships, my career, everything really.
If there was an exception to this, though, it was with my daughter. I have strived to be the mommy, then the mom and now the person and friend she is so deserving of. I have loved this song, In My Daughter's Eyes by Martina McBride, from the first time I heard it because it so accurately depicts my feelings about what having her has meant to my life. I may have faked having courage for a couple decades, but seeing glimpses of who she saw in me helped me become brave for real facing my own pain which has led me to the greatest joys I have ever known.
"In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero
I am strong and wise, and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be
In my daughter's eyes"
I do, however, want to be clear that our mother-daughter relationship hasn't been perfect. There were times we didn't understand each other or like each other's decisions. There were times we hurt each other's feelings and didn't say things that needed to be said. But our relationship is what it is today because we didn't give up on each other. We learned to have very hard and honest conversations even when it produced tears. We learned to have boundaries for ourselves. And most of all, we each worked hard to become the best individuals we could be. It's no different than any other relationship, the better we know ourselves, the better we can know the other and the more trust develops. It isn't perfection that builds the best relationships, it's hanging on for each other, no matter what, when life is hard and painful and we wonder how we can go on. It's not giving in to fear and control, but rather providing endless encouragement, support and most of all love.
So, while I am delighting in remembering all of the past birthday and half-birthday celebrations and experiences, as well as the multitude of heartfelt gifts and cards given to her, it is the gift of her life that has made July 15 my favorite day.
#selfcompassion #courage #birthdays #brenebrown #martinamcbride #pregnancy #motherhood #love #mothersanddaughters #joy #braveenoughtobebliss
Comments