I sent a rather large file containing the book, Brave Enough To Be Bliss, to the printing company on Thursday night, but I had to send this Snapchat message to my daughter and a couple friends before I hit send. I knew I was ready, but I've learned it never hurts to ask for a little encouragement to do big things. They all responded with a resounding YES, so I hit send. Following that, I sent a video to a friend to share the moment and following is a brief clip to prove the apprehension in the photo above quickly turned to relief and excitement.
Because of my self-hatred, I spent the first 50+ years of my life thinking the only chance I had to be loved was if I was as perfect as a human could be. The reality I can now see is that by trying so hard to be perfect, I ended up being so much less than I could have been in every facet of my life. I told myself I was striving for excellence, but I wasn't. Learning self-compassion, and then the tools and strategies that could help me manage my brain has saved me from myself. I found the article below very incriminating, but I know I'm not the only one so you may want to check it out and see if any of these behaviors are familiar.
Self-compassion allows me the ability to have compassion for literally all people remembering that other people’s hurtful behavior toward themselves or others reflects their pain and unhealed wounds. Many people do not disclose their wounds because as a result of them they feel unlovable at their core. We can never truly know what has happened to another person and how that may be impacting their behavior. But when I remember another person’s behavior is not a reflection of me, even if it feels like it sometimes, I can look at them through eyes of compassion. I may not love the behavior, but I can still love the hurt human being. Compassion for myself and the other person is the key to helping me accept the reality of the situation with love versus judgment.
Following is an excerpt from the book's final chapter...
"The idea of sharing my life story all started from a number of things about it that just didn’t work. They were sad, and some would say bad. They stemmed from humans hurting me, and the fears and controlling behaviors I had as a result were my way of coping with this oftentimes, very hard life. My brain was trying to protect me from further pain even though I now understand, I was perpetuating the pain.
"Fear and control. It makes sense, it just wreaks havoc with life."
Every day there are people who walk around this world wanting to die, just like I did. About a month ago, my Mom Sherri and I were in a restaurant for lunch and the server was visibly not having a good day, or perhaps a good life. Mom Sherri is one of the kindest humans I know and in her usual friendly way, she tried making conversation with the server, but the server wasn't engaging. The server disclosed she was very tired, but that was it. After she walked away, Mom Sherri and I briefly discussed how she must really be hurting to be so visibly distressed she couldn't even fake it in front of customers who would be deciding on her tip. I was concerned about her because I know many customers would be offended by her behavior and could likely complain, and she looked like she couldn't take one more difficult thing in her life at that point. We continued treating her kindly and she may have softened slightly by the end of the meal, but not much.
When Mom Sherri went to pay the bill, I saw her pull a mini notepad out of her purse and begin to write a note. Immediately, I knew what she was doing and smiled. I hadn't noticed it, but Mom Sherri saw the server had a 988 tattoo on her chest. 988 is the national Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Mom Sherri left a generous tip, but even more, she left hope.
A couple weeks later, we saw the server again and a vastly different human provided service to us that day. She came to our table with a smile on her face and a pep in her step. She greeted us warmly and quickly opened her black server pad holder so we could see the note Mom Sherri left her was right there sticking up from the pocket as a positive reminder she would see throughout her shifts. She went on to tell us that she had moved out of her boyfriend's apartment and was making plans for her career. It was clear she not only had gained hope, but she had also taken important steps toward a brighter future. While we didn't know her story beyond that, it gave us an opportunity to tell her how proud we were of her while she beamed with pride and growing confidence. Because there will likely be setbacks and challenges along her way, I provided her with my website address and told her to look there if she ever needed some encouragement to continue on in her journey. The next time we saw her I noticed something was different about her look, and she told us she had gotten hair extensions. It was obvious she was looking good and feeling good inside and out. All three of us benefitted greatly from this interaction that all started because Mom Sherri took two minutes to leave a note saying she cared.
Compassion is the greatest form of love humans have to offer." Rachel Joy Scott
From our initial interaction it surprised me that this young lady who appeared so closed off and hardened, responded quickly to the loving care, and opened her arms to receive and embrace it. Not everyone responds like she did, and yet even if we never spoke with her again or it did nothing in that moment to help her, it could have planted a seed of hope. And even if it was deeply planted and roots wouldn't grow roots for years to come, all efforts to help a hurting human being are worthwhile investments.
I kept my pain hidden well and showed very little emotion, so it wasn't obvious on the outside that I needed help. There are so many others who don't hide it and instead wear it like a suit in the form of anger, hostility, resentment, frustration and controlling behaviors. Others live a seemingly carefree life without close relationships or commitments only to go home alone and cope with their pain oftentimes resulting in addictions to alcohol, drugs or pornography. And as a result, we have a world filled with people in pain, many of whom seek a quick diagnosis so they can be "fixed" with medication and appear perfect, silently suffering because most of us refuse to talk about hard things even in our closest relationships. And sometimes when the hurting humans try to share their pain, they're shut down because the rest of us haven't faced our own so we can't deal with theirs.
I am willing to share my whole good, bad and ugly story with the world in the hopes it will help others share theirs with one trusted person. And while there's an entire chapter dedicated to explaining why I kept going back to my self-compassion coach to face the pain of my past, the short story is, I did it for love.
People are not problems or diagnoses that need to be fixed, but rather, are humans who need to be loved.
"Those who are hardest to love need it the most." Socrates
Even, and maybe especially, when it's hard to do.
Comments