After spending nearly a year in the process of writing my memoir without convenient access to a fitness center, needing to write as the words came without stopping for anything, revisiting very difficult places in my past in order to write about them with the same feelings I experienced at the time, and lacking any semblance of a routine, I got out of shape very quickly and gained a few pounds. Neither of those things were good for a knee that had three surgeries less than two years prior. In past years, I simply wouldn't have been able to let that happen so I wouldn't have been able to write the book. But last year, I made the conscious decision to allow it to happen. The difference...I had no doubt I could get back into shape after I finished writing. I knew that I had done hard things before, so I could do more knowing the temporary sacrifice would be well worth the outcome.
Is the process easy? No. Is it possible? Yes. Do I feel even better now than when I started because I weathered the storm and have come out the other side? Again, yes.
But all that confidence has come about because I first made the decision to do the hard work on my brain and that is what will allow me to face other challenges that arise in my life and avoid ruining my relationships along the way.
In August, my mom Sherri gifted me with access to a personal trainer for a few weeks to get back into a routine and he was extremely helpful. I listened to him and didn't overdo as I have tended to in the past. He focused on helping me build the foundational strength that would support progress and after about eight weeks, my knee was feeling the best it has since my surgeries. I know a huge part of that is I didn't do too much when I didn't have the strength needed while I was away writing and in my work with the trainer. Prior to that, I had pushed myself too hard thinking if I didn't complete the workout I did prior to the surgeries, I wasn't really working hard enough. Now I accept my knee will never be the same as it was before the injury and surgeries, so comparing the workout I completed then to now really isn't fair and it definitely isn't helpful.
There are many lessons I have learned through this experience...
My feelings about my weight have much more to do with my mind than any scale.
My true strength lies much more in my mind than in my body. My mind is the only thing that can make my body move...or not.
Overdoing it, i.e. punishing myself physically, does nothing but set me back both in my mind and my body.
No one's words could be as critical of my body as the ones I said to myself.
People care much more about my heart than my body. There were just made-up stories in my mind that made me feel otherwise.
And when I'm loving to myself, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because I can accept myself knowing and valuing my heart above my waistline. And at the same time, when I am loving to myself, I naturally want to do the things that make me physically healthy and strong, and that automatically takes care of my weight and strength.
When I went to one of my last appointments with my trainer, he told me he had a new employee who would be observing that day. I said, that's great and didn't think a thing about it. Another trainer who I had talked with a few times saw us and came over to join because he didn't have a client right then. So, during part of my workout, I had three men watching me, but it wasn't so much that they were watching me, as they were encouraging me and we were teasing each other, laughing, and having fun. This made the workout seem like not so much of a workout, but rather hard-earned fun that was benefitting my physical health.
In the book, I share the unedited results of an assignment my self-compassion coach gave me. She instructed me to write whatever came to my mind about food. She told me to just write, not edit it, hold anything back or read it before sending her the email. In later chapters, I share things I learned as a result about both my eating and my body image, and by the book's final section, I was able to write the following.
Excerpt from Brave Enough To Be Bliss (Section VI, Chapter 12)
And that made me wonder, what if I had just believed John when he said he liked that I’d gained a little weight? He had no history of saying anything mean to me. What if I had just believed him that he liked it instead of telling him he shouldn’t have said it? What if I had said to myself, damn straight I gained a few pounds after three surgeries, eight weeks without bending my leg, not being able to do any exercise other than physical therapy for 18 months? What if I applauded myself that it was only 5 pounds instead of 25 pounds? What if I could allow him to look at all of me and tell myself, he’s damn lucky to have all of me and if he doesn’t like five more pounds of me, there’ll be someone else who will thank their lucky stars I’m in their life? Instead of realizing I still had some work to do in the area of body image myself, I wanted to make the issue his, so I didn’t have to face my own fear that I wasn’t attractive enough for me.
After leaving the fitness center that day, it really hit me that there had been three men observing my workout, I had fun, and I hadn't even thought about being self-conscious or scared. This signified to me just how much growth there has been that I can now be happy with my body regardless of what shape I'm in or who is watching me. That's what being brave enough to be bliss is all about...learning self-compassion that allows honest self-reflection that leads to personal responsibility that results in joy.
But what's also being brave enough to be bliss is being willing to admit the journey isn't a straight line. Several months ago, I finished writing the blog ending with the paragraph above and was just saving it for when it felt like the right time to share. As in all of life, there can be unexpected detours, dangerous curves and abrupt cliffs that temporarily make me wonder if I was even on the right path at all.
But in retrospect, no matter what has arisen, I can look back and pinpoint where I went wrong. What lesson I had already learned and know like the back of my hand, but in the heat of the moment when the pressure is on, my nervous system takes over and responds based on 50+ years of behaviors it thinks are protecting me. In this case, I binge ate and I didn't exercise. Some people drink alcohol or use drugs, some people overwork or overclean, some people are addicted to shopping or pornography, but at the bottom of all these behaviors is pain that is being avoided and/or numbed. I know this, and yet, after I published the book, even more deeply disturbing memories surfaced and in short, I didn't verbally disclose all the pain and allow all of the emotion to come out of my body, and as a result I undid all the physical fitness work I told you about above.
The good news is that once I had allowed myself to verbally express and feel it all, I returned to the fitness center with full confidence that I could not only get back on the machines again, but that I would be even stronger and less likely to allow myself to avoid them the next time.
Where do you make up stories in your mind or lack confidence that you can improve your life and relationships? There's no need to wait for a new year to take one step forward toward joy. I believe in you and if you need some help, there are amazing expert resources available at the end of each chapter in my book, Brave Enough To Be Bliss. The digital book is free and hardback copies can be purchased at cost through the link below. There is no financial gain for me in sharing this book, but you are worth the investment of each and every word.
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