When I noticed all of this in the sky at the same time while driving last week, I found a safe moment to grab a quick photo. It was as if the sky was reminding me that even when it's tough to imagine, the sun is always shining behind those dark storm clouds even when we can't see it. We need only hold on to the knowledge, hope and experience that eventually the sun will shine again.
Several gracious family members and friends allowed me to stay in their homes since May when I finished writing at Table Rock Lake, but three weeks ago, I moved into a studio apartment not far from where my last home was. The area feels like coming home. It's great to be living close to my daughter, son-in-law and their dogs again. And after feeling like I was living out of my car for over a year with only the things that would fit into it, the nearly 550 square feet in this little apartment feels truly spacious. I had no furniture, so I bought a couple pieces like a bed, computer table and bookshelves, but most exciting was the fact I got to unbox the few things I put into storage and have access to my personal mementos, clothes and shoes again. It felt like an early Christmas as most every item I encountered was as exciting as if it was new.
Everything went smoothly that first week in the apartment, but for some reason I really didn't understand at the time, I kept putting off calling to connect my internet service. There's only one service provider option as it's a new apartment complex in a planned community so it's charged through the lease. It was supposed to be a quick, easy call, which is another reason why it seemed so silly I'd been putting it off. I was given the phone number, the instructions said to provide my address and apartment number, and all they had to do was make the internet service active. Sounded easy enough, but for a full week, I didn't make that call.
When I needed service for my computer, I used the personal hotspot from my phone and thought I could get by that way for a while assuming when I got close to the usage limit for that service (I'd never used it much at all before), I would get some sort of alert. And you know the saying about assuming anything...yep, I'm the a** in this story and I will have a bigger phone bill to remind me of it.
The last few years, my daughter has been so good to me helping anytime I needed a new phone or any type of technology services either going with me or taking care of it for me, mostly the latter. While I have almost always done everything for myself, with these couple things, I basically lose my mind. And it isn't because I can't use technology, it's just the process of getting new hardware or service that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Just thinking about the process infuriates me...but that's anger which I know is a surface level emotion, so after digging deeper and questioning myself about how I felt, not what I thought, I realized it's fear and control which I believe is at the root of most, if not all, conflict.
In this case, I avoided the process because I feared how long it was going to take. I feared how difficult it was going to be to communicate. I feared they were going to try to get me to upgrade the service and spend more money. And then ultimately, the bottom-line feeling was that I feared someone else was in charge of what I wanted and needed. And I really, really, really don't like the feeling that someone else has power over me.
So, I go into these conversations already assuming they aren't going to listen to me, they're going to make it difficult for me and try to wear me down, and if that doesn't work, they're going to take advantage of me for their gain because they can, since they have all the power. And in this case, it's the only service provider option I have, so I don't even have the option of threatening to go to a competitor. They know it and I know it, so I'm stuck and I feel helpless and like I have to just sit there and take it. And that leads me to enter the conversation already on the defensive, ready to "battle" with them, determined not to be powerless and succumb to their sales tactics.
Over the past year I was contacted by two separate companies saying their computer systems had been hacked and my personal information including my social security number had been compromised. I haven't learned of any fraud, and it's being monitored, but I locked my credit report just to be sure no one could apply for new credit. It had been so long since I did that, though, I hadn't actually remembered about the lock when I applied for the apartment lease. That explains why they initially wanted a larger deposit which I didn't understand at all at the time since I have an excellent credit score. When I called the internet service provider since I wasn't going to be paying them, it didn't even occur to me they would be doing a credit check.
And there it was...the problem. I just knew it was coming, but even so, it didn't soften the blow when it arrived. It made no logical sense to me that since I'm not going to be paying them directly that they needed to do a credit check. But of course, their process is their process, so I had to separately contact each of the three companies to unlock my credit report. But then because it had been locked, the service provider had to send me to another part of the company in order to verify I was who I said I was. It was explained I would be asked three questions and given multiple choice answers including none of the above. While the book I've written, Brave Enough To Be Bliss, explains how I much prefer essay questions over multiple choice, this seemed like it should be something I could handle. I answered the questions pretty confidently, although on one, I definitely would have preferred the ability to ask a clarifying question or been able to expand on my answer since an acronym was used but of course, that's not allowed. After providing my last answer, I was quickly told I hadn't answered them all correctly which made me even more angry. I asked if they could try again asking me more questions and was told no, I would have to contact and work with the three companies to find out what was wrong on my credit report. I had scanned the report already, so I was sure nothing was wrong. I wasn't about to admit I could have possibly made a mistake, not to myself or to these people. I was in control of me and not them.
So, after repeated phone calls back and forth giving up by late afternoon, that evening I downloaded my credit report again and looked at it more carefully. When I got to the address portion, I looked line by line at the many addresses I have had since I was in my early 20s. And then I saw it. My former husband's current address is on my credit report, and seeing the unique street name, I remembered I had said none of the above on that question. So as mad as I wanted to be at "them" for their processes, I had actually been the one to delay everything because it never occurred to me that I could have made an error and missed something on my credit report. The next morning, I called again with my tail a little between my legs, had my credit report pulled up and consulted it before answering each question. I had internet service within the next five minutes.
Ugh...I hate it when that happens. But it has happened way more times than I care to admit. My fear leads me to controlling behaviors where I end up hurting myself, and somehow it stings even more that way. Perhaps because there's no one else to blame and that's what we humans prefer, but that's why self-reflection is vital.
No matter how much I learn and grow, no matter how hard I work to undo the results of traumas that can still affect my behaviors in certain areas of my life from time to time, no matter how deeply I love and no matter how much I care, there are still times when life hurts.
Because...
Life...is...hard, and I..am...human. So, so very human and imperfect and flawed.
So, there are days when the tears flow and my heart aches, but the difference between several years ago and now is that I let it hurt, and I let them flow. I feel the pain and then, through the tears, I remember to treat myself as I would anyone else. I can revert to past behaviors, I can take a few steps back down the mountain, I can feel embarrassed, disappointed or whatever the present emotion is...but that doesn't mean I am a lost cause or that I will never truly be able to change. I am simply...human. And even more, I was a terribly hurt human who had to learn to survive any way I could and unfortunately after many decades of surviving in such unhealthy ways, it's not easy to permanently change the wiring in my brain and nervous system when it signals a potential threat.
“If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you. If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you.” Zig Ziglar
Contrary to how it might seem, though, the potential threat isn't always something bad. I'm prepared for the bad as I've had 50+ years only expecting the bad. But the good, that's new stuff that I have very little experience with so the lack of knowing what to expect can put me in a tailspin. I'll think I'm good and that I will remember all I've learned, but then when I lack reassurance that the good stuff can be real, it's as though I forget everything. In the moment, when I'm feeling that inner panic, I don't even realize what I'm feeling or what I'm doing as a result of it because for most of my life I didn't acknowledge how I felt inside to myself or anyone else. But upon reflection, I can see that I'm just so scared that I grasp desperately for control however I can get it. Instead of remembering I can only control myself, not anyone else, and simply allowing whatever happens to happen, I freak out and it feels like I forget everything I've learned these past few years...and I mess up. Sometimes very badly. So, when I finally realize what I've done, it can feel even worse because I'm truly so ready for the good, but still need lots of practice to avoid self-sabotaging behaviors.
But then, after I've felt all the feelings and cried all the tears, I dig back in to figure out what went awry, so I can do better next time accepting that I'm an imperfect human but knowing there's a hero in me too.
Comments