This morning I took a moment and sent a text to a few friends wishing them Happy Valentine's Day. One of them responded and said, "Remember those carnations in junior high and high school? Always hoped for a red one, but got lots of white and pink instead. I now know those were the colors that meant the most." I just love her and her wisdom!
When I was a teenager, it seems like I thought love was primarily about romantic love and I didn't really give a lot of thought to the love we share with our friends. That doesn't mean I didn't feel it or sign cards, "love ya," or say something like that from time to time, but I don't recall really thinking about or truly valuing the "love" between friends like I valued or thought about having romantic love.
According to Maslow's pyramid, human needs from the most basic up are: physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem and self-actualization. The theory is that we must have the most basic needs met before we can attend to those at a higher level. And I think most people agree, love is truly a basic need for a healthy human being. But that makes me wonder why there can be so much hesitancy about love and as usual, it leads me back to fear.
I had a friend who told me that love was a "really big" word, I teased him and said, "Not really, it's only four letters." Of course, I knew what he meant and because I knew him and his background quite well, I understood his hesitancy to use the word. I wonder, though, did it actually save him any heartache by not using the word or did he actually deny himself and others the full joy of loving and being loved at the time he felt it?
Sometimes we can make something as basic as love way more complicated than it needs to be and we think every single relationship has to be permanent for it to be love. I would challenge that is simply fear talking. When we don't have enough love for ourselves, we are scared to think the love coming from someone else could change at any point because we are depending on someone else for something we need to provide ourselves. And often we confuse love with relationships. One can still have love, a feeling, even if a relationship changes or even ends.
An example of this lack of need for permanence is that I often speak of and to my former stepmother, former in-laws and former husband. All of these may be former legal family ties, but just because the marriage ended, the love didn't have to and fortunately in my case, many of these relationships have actually flourished.
As I have grown and changed, though, some people in my life have chosen not to continue their relationships with me or have become more distant. I still love them with all my heart and am grateful for the memories we created. I will never stop loving them just because they don't want to continue the relationship.
When I took full responsibility for myself that meant taking full responsibility for feeling loved. That meant I had A LOT of work to do. First, I had to stop hating myself. Next I had to work on liking myself and presently I'm still working on loving myself. With each step I take toward that end, though, I find my brain, as well as my heart and soul, opening up more to fully receiving all the love that has likely always been available to me.
When I was in high school and college, I thought one day there would be someone who would come along and love me so much that it would fix everything within me and I would be happy. What I have learned in retrospect, though, is no one could have ever possibly loved me enough then. Not my former husband, not my daughter, not my family or friends...no one. Those thoughts of being unlovable were too engrained in my brain to be overcome by anyone or even God. I had to do the work on my brain to be able to truly receive love.
With lots of ongoing effort, though, now I find myself almost giddy sometimes when I receive a text message, card in the mail, email, phone call, small gift of cookies or blackberry jam, warm embrace, a compliment or any simple gesture of kindness. I feel all this love coming to me through all kinds of relationships. I no longer need to fear others or control them because I am not counting on others for my own self-worth and acceptance. I give myself those things, so now I can freely give all the love I have in my heart and fully receive it. All this love I share with others is just extra goodness that fills me to overflowing.
I honestly don't remember specifically what the "meanings" of the carnations were when they were being sold as a fundraiser in junior high and high school, but I looked them up today online.
Red carnation: Deep love and affection
Pink carnation: Gratitude, but I also saw a couple places it was "blooming" love
White carnation: Pure love
Back then I'm guessing it was possibly promoted as red=love, pink=thanks (but as I recall it may have unofficially been more for if you "like" someone), and white=friendship. But looking at the definitions online and from my experience, I think it's similar to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. While lot of time, energy and advertising is spent on the red carnation, it's the white carnation, that pure love of friendship with ourselves and others, that is the fundamental need to be healthy.
Happy Valentine's Day! I extend a white carnation of pure love and friendship to each and every one of you, along with the challenge to look someone directly in their eyes and say all three words, "I love you," and to consider if maybe that someone needs to be you.
White back to you my dear twin🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍