Back in December 2018, my daughter and I were on vacation and started taking silly pictures. She would tell me to look "happy," "sad," "angry," "disappointed," etc. and she would take a picture. While I can't guarantee it, I think this was a "mean mom" look.
Last week as I wrapped up writing the book, Brave Enough to be Bliss, initially I felt very excited sharing a quick post about it. Soon after, though, I felt exhausted. Not just sleepy, but exhausted. I was really questioning how I could feel anything except excited to be done and I was likely giving myself a mean mom look because of it. I thought I should only feel elated about the accomplishment, so because that wasn't all I felt, it quickly turned to disappointment in myself for feeling what I was feeling.
The following excerpt from the book precedes my answer as to why I wrote it.
Excerpt from Brave Enough to be Bliss
I have openly shared the very confused thinking of my brain. I have revealed my darkest secrets and exposed the most intimate details of my life. I have disclosed my dreams and declared my desires. And I have fully bared my soul.
I have taken myself to very dark places in my mind where I no longer live. I have intentionally let the voices out of the basement in order to write in a way that reflects how I felt back in those times. I then had to try to push the voices back down into the basement and lock the door with them pushing against it with all their might. I have then painstakingly pulled my mind back to the present day where I am safe once again.
I have invested countless hours of time, endless amounts of energy, tremendous thought, and buckets of tears. I have paid attention to every nudge reaching out to people who may think I’m crazy. I have listened for and documented every word upon waking whether it was 2 a.m., 6 a.m. or anytime in between even when I haven’t understood what the messages mean. I have carefully considered each word that is printed on every single page of this book.
I am unemployed with dwindling savings, but I have gone away for months to seclude myself in order to make this book a reality. So, you may be thinking, “Wow, how dumb are you?”
And while you'll have to read the entire book to find out why I did all that, reviewing those words today reminded me it can be both...I can feel excited AND also feel exhausted because of...all that. My self-compassion coach taught me about rigid thinking years ago, but how easy it is for my brain to fall back into old patterns, especially when I am tired. It was such a relief when I remembered I could be excited AND also be exhausted. Both things could be true at the same time.
My rigid thinking, or as I've referred to it in past blogs my black and white thinking, left me no room for "gray," no room for "and," no room for "both." That type of thinking definitely impacted the view I had of myself and others greatly impacting my relationships.
Rigid thinking left little room for being human, and therefore little room for self-compassion. I would encourage you to take a couple minutes and read through the exercise below to better recognize when you may have rigid thinking and consider the impact to your life and relationships.
"Two things can be true at the same time. We are all complicated human beings. I think we need to make more room for AND in our lives." Ginger Rothhaas
And this is my daughter's "happy" look that without fail gives her mom that same look too!
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