Well, that's a wrap on birthday week and it couldn't have been any more fabulous thanks to so many wonderful people who blessed me in so many ways! Every wish, every word, every hug, every card, every gift, every dance...every single effort was appreciated and touched my heart. There have been many happy tears shed in the past week because I have been truly overwhelmed by the love.
Feeling the love was in full swing on my actual birthday the day before the party as my daughter treated me to a beautiful card, amazing gifts, a full day of fun activities including a manicure and shopping, lots of great conversation and laughs, delicious food and champagne at our favorite restaurants, and to end the night a sleepover complete with pizza and a movie at her house watching our favorite mother-daughter movie, Mama Mia. While I told her just spending the day with her was gift enough, she pulled out all the stops to make this one especially memorable!
I have realized there are some people who cannot understand the deep self hatred I had which is a good thing because that means they haven't felt it for themselves. For those who may have loved me any or all of those years of my life, my comments about not feeling loved previously are not at all about you. One of the most important lessons I have learned is that my feelings and my behavior are mine and everyone else's are theirs. So feeling loved isn't a reflection of anyone else, it's a reflection of how I felt about myself. I didn't love me, so I couldn't truly believe how anyone else could either. It's that simple. I wanted to believe it, I wanted to feel it...I simply could not then.
Through the years of growth, I began to believe it and feel it at times...until that is, I again began struggling to believe and feel I was worthy of love. It's been an ebb and flow, and there will likely always be times when I have to remind myself, reflect and bring myself back to the present. While I have to remind myself of fewer things, less frequently these days, Friday as I was getting ready for the party, I had to do some brain work.
First, I caught myself beginning to doubt if what I had prepared to say in the toast would be meaningful at all to anyone. But then I reminded myself when I started sharing publicly I did so in case it helped even one person, so I began to wrap my mind around the thought that even if my toast wasn't great, I thought surely it might touch one person, and with that, I again looked forward to sharing it. (For those who may not have a Facebook account, this is a video of the toast.)
As I was looking in the mirror drying my hair, I began to question if the dress I had picked out would look ok or if it would accentuate my imperfections. But then I reminded myself that out of all the dresses I tried on, that one felt best and I don't need to look perfect, I just need to be myself, connect with my heart and soul, and let that part of me shine through. That is enough.
A friend who was with me had made me a drink while I got ready and I proceeded to spill it after only one sip making a big mess. (Fortunately it was in a plastic cup, she clearly knows me well.) While we were cleaning it up, I started to listen to the voice in my head that said I was clumsy, uncoordinated and if I couldn't even drink without spilling, who was I kidding trying to convince myself I would actually be able to dance later that night. But then as I caught myself starting to believe it, I told that voice to go back in the basement of my brain, visualized locking the door behind it, turned up the music, started swaying to it and remembered it didn't matter if I was any good at dancing, all I had to do was enjoy the experience and that I knew I not only could do, but would do!
I have learned that instead of beating myself up for my brain reverting to old thought patterns, all I have to do is recognize them as early as possible, give myself the same level of compassion I would anyone else, and then utilize the tools and techniques I have learned to get my brain back to where it needs to be supporting me, not protecting me when it's unnecessary.
So I did dance like nobody was watching because I know enough now to understand that everyone was having a good time at the party and likely no one was even watching me. And even if they were, they were there because they love me so even if they recognized I am really new at dancing and maybe have two left feet, I am pretty sure they would be smiling not to laugh at me but rather because they were happy to see me being brave doing something new and fun!
And while it wasn't in the kitchen, Kylee and I ended our 15-year dancing drought. She overcame her fear that I would fall and I took off my heels to help ensure that, and we danced to the song that helped inspire the party. (Stand by You, Song by Rachel Platten, Lyrics)
Writing the book, creating this website and sharing these blogs are my way of standing by you and reminding you that even if it feels like it sometimes, you are not alone in the struggle of life. Living listening to the voices in my head made me feel very much alone, even when I had family and friends who wanted to stand by me. It took me reaching out for help and learning how to let others into my messy mind and life, in order to get to this point. I'm willing to vulnerably share my imperfections and mistakes, as well as some of the things I've learned, so perhaps you can join me and boldly celebrate living!
Ginger, You have no idea how much I needed some of these words right now. I always knew you were special and this blog confirms my thoughts!! Bless you. Brad H