“We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.” Marcel Proust
I recently tackled a book chapter trying to answer the question of why I even began climbing my mountain of self-hatred. Not because it is a guide for anyone else to follow, but because it is an important part of my story. The why behind my thoughts and actions is always where the wisdom lies waiting to be discovered.
Last week I took these pictures and knew someday there would be a reason. I knew it was something about seeing what was behind me and I liked the feeling it gave me. It felt like looking in the rear-view mirror knowing there were more miles behind me than there are left in front of me. It was the answer to the child’s question from the back seat, are we there yet, when you can honestly reply, “Almost, sweetie, almost.”
And then today I thought, it’s actually more important to talk about how it feels when the mountain looms so large in front of us. When we want to run in the other direction, not start the climb. To share the real me who existed stuck at the foot of the mountain unable to take that first step. The real me who was terrified I couldn’t face the pain that was the first step, so I avoided it at all costs. The terror I felt thinking about allowing myself to cry truly believing if I did, I literally would never stop crying. The one who had created a shell of a person to fool everyone into thinking I was not only ok, but I was good. The one who believed if I stayed positive and didn’t allow myself to “feel” the pain I’d never have to deal with it. The reality is, though, I did feel the results of it every damn day, whether I acknowledged it or not. And I created more pain for myself and others through doomed relationships.
So today, I took pictures of where I had to go to get to the place that felt so good last week in the literal walk that I’m using to describe the figurative one. The one where the mountain top still loomed large, where I couldn't yet see what was ahead but assumed I'd reached the top, only to be disappointed seeing yet another rise in front of me. Where every curve seemed to uncover not a valley, but more uphill climbing when my thighs were already burning so intensely, I didn't think I could take another step forward. That's just how mountain climbing works...but then somewhere along the way, there starts to be a point at which it begins to be worth it and the burning starts to feel good and eventually leads to proactively wanting to do more than is required because the joy and beauty of the climb has begun to reveal itself so even when there's a tumble and periodic rest is needed, there's still a desire to keep climbing.
We each have some mountain that arises in our lifetime, and no one can climb it for us. If we could hire surrogate climbers, that’d be awesome, but I don’t think it would be an in-demand job.
HELP WANTED: Mountain climber needed to tackle various levels of emotional pain, despair and misery. Willingness to go to places deep within to understand how that pain led to self-sabotaging behaviors that weren’t consistent with previously held values and ethics creating deep shame and regret. Must scale mountain to new heights only to fall down repeatedly and have to go back up again trying to learn lessons creating new behaviors resulting in fewer and less deadly falls. Periodic bouts of uncontrollable crying and extremely disturbing fears surfacing sometimes creating overwhelming anxiety and panic must be endured. No compensation provided to surrogate and all benefits will go directly to the owner of the mountain. If interested...you have your own mountain to climb so don’t apply.
While it would be nice to let someone else do it for us, unfortunately that’s just not possible. And what works for me isn’t necessarily what’s going to work for someone else. But that’s why it’s important to share our stories and lessons learned. Not to tell someone else this is the only way to do it, but rather to say, you’re not alone in the climb and here’s something that helped me just in case it might help you at some point. And most of all to provide the encouragement, that while difficult, the freedom and joy that emerges along the climb makes it worth all the sacrifices of taking on the job only we can fill ourselves.
Last night driving back to the condo after watching the Super Bowl, the following Jelly Roll song came on and made me remember when I felt like a lost cause too. It just sucks that no one else can save us, that when we are in the depths of despair no one else can do the hard work for us. That no matter how much we love another human being, we cannot do the hard work for them. They can only do it for themselves.
Sometimes we have to pause or end the relationship, but never the love. We have to be willing to keep on loving them as fiercely as ever while not enabling them. We have to be willing to lose them to save ourselves all the while hoping and praying, they will choose to tackle the mountain before them for themselves understanding if they don't, it wasn’t a reflection of us or our love, it just wasn’t something they couldn't face at the time and there was nothing we could have done to save them.
The following links to songs tell stories and someone wrote each of them and there are countless more out there because the world is full of people in pain. I woke up this morning with these words and typed them on my phone before I got out of bed. I knew they were put there because someone needed to read them today. So, I listened, and I share regardless of how it reflects on me. Some may think I’m nuts, that I repeat myself, that it’s a story no one wants to hear because it’s depressing…but life…is…hard for so many of us and today someone isn’t celebrating a Super Bowl victory even in Kansas City. Someone is wondering if it’s all worth it. Someone is feeling the mountain is too big to start climbing. Someone is feeling like a lost cause. Someone knows all the drinking, smoking, drugs, sex, eating or even perceived positive behaviors like work or exercise that people can use excessively to cope with their pain won’t actually make it go away. But they don’t know or just can’t find another way to go on living.
So, when you see the drunk, the prostitute, the drug addict, the homeless person or the not so obvious millionaire, successful actor, CEO or Super Bowl champion take a moment and connect with your own heart and soul and look deeply into their eyes. Don’t be afraid to look and see what’s there behind the outer appearance. Don’t let the tattoos and loss of teeth or the big smile and perfect teeth convince you of anything. Instead ask yourself, “I wonder what happened to that person to put that sadness in their eyes?” Because if you do that, there just might be enough compassion in your eyes and in your voice to give them a sliver of hope to live another day. And someday when there are enough of those days, they might just decide it’s worth taking a step toward the mountain and one day beginning to climb it.
That’s how I believe we begin to help solve homelessness, drug addiction, healthcare and so much more…one person at a time. We start caring about the human beings who are suffering more than we care about the fear within ourselves. We stop telling ourselves it’s their problem and start deciding it is our problem questioning how we can discount and discard people just because they make us uncomfortable, when that discomfort really comes because we haven’t climbed our own mountains high enough to realize we are all more alike than we are different.
Connecting with your heart and soul, please take a few minutes and really listen to the pain of these songs visualizing it's about someone you love. We humans avoid pain, but the only way we can fully connect with others is to be willing to embrace pain. Just start listening with your heart, not judging with your scared brain. And then begin to be brave enough to look around and really see the humans who pass by you every day.
This compassion just might change a life, and in the process, you might find, you've changed your own.
I Need You, Jelly Roll
Save Me, Jelly Roll with Lainey Wilson
I Love You, Eminem Featuring Adel
In the Ghetto, Elvis Presley
#braveenoughtobebliss #mentalhealth #depression #homeless #addiction #addicts #jellyroll #laineywilson #eminem #adel #brave #mountain #fear #hope #healthcare
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