I'm one of those people who ends up being in the middle on most all personality tests. I am likely the definition of gray. It’s not that I can’t make up my mind or pick a side, I just see things from all perspectives. I'm not a glass half full or glass half empty sort of person, the water (or champagne) is just at a halfway point in the glass. That’s just where it is before someone fills it up, as I would want them to, or drinks it, as I would love to do. It's just where it is at that point in time.
Some of us take assessment information or feedback from others in our lives and utilize it to improve ourselves. Some of us use it to condemn ourselves to a life of misery. And some of us are simply oblivious because we won't even risk knowing ourselves better...even if it would make our lives or our children's lives better, happier, and healthier. We are too scared to know ourselves because of what we might uncover. But what we fail to realize is the impact to all of our relationships because we choose to live in darkness instead of facing the dark in order to finally see the light. I was condemning and oblivious for 50 years.
Last week I was prompted to register for a webinar about bipolar disorder and I watched it online this morning. I didn't know for sure why I had registered or why I was taking the time to watch, but I think it was to learn and share this.
I didn't ever have an official mental health diagnosis, but I assure you if you choose to read my book, you won't be too many pages in before you'll realize I could have easily had one...or perhaps two or three. I say that with a smile because today it wouldn't bother me. I can look back and see that yes, I had issues, and I likely could have been diagnosed, but that wouldn't have been "who" I was, it would have just been a word, or words, used to describe symptoms and behaviors I was exhibiting. But back at that time, if I had a diagnosis, I think I would have felt even more hopeless. The baseline my brain operated from was trying to behave perfectly thinking that was the only way I could ever possibly be loved. So, a diagnosis would have left me "officially" imperfect with no hope for being loved.
In addition to learning more about the bipolar diagnosis than I knew before, what I realized after watching the webinar today was how similar we all are regardless of whether we have an official diagnosis or not. We struggle inside, often from past pain, that creates internal and/or external conflict affecting our behaviors which impacts our relationships resulting in the level of satisfaction we have in our lives. But the thing is, whether diagnosed or not, there are many experts, skills, and tools that can be learned to help resolve or manage the behaviors and any relationship issues that may exist.
There is no pain nor shame that cannot be healed, it's just a fearful thought we tell ourselves and our brains respond the way they do because one of their functions is to help us avoid pain. But what our brains don't take into account is that we are creating pain in our relationships when we avoid facing whatever hurts exist inside. The good news is that we can learn when to push our brains past that fear in order to understand why we behave in the ways we do and then change our behaviors when needed, and ultimately experience healthier and more connected relationships.
Self-reflection is a decision each person must make individually, but I have learned the hard way that not being brave enough to take an honest look at myself and my behaviors created a great deal of misery and kept me from experiencing a great deal of joy. Writing this book has required much more additional self-reflection than I had anticipated. I thought I'd done most of the hardest work, and this book was just going to be the sharing of all that. But there's always more to learn because the more you learn, the more you can self-reflect...and then learn even more.
There have been many times I have wanted to quit writing, as recently as last night in fact. It's tough stuff to relive all of the ugliest parts of my life, but now I understand what happened in my past and the resulting behaviors were simply what they were at that point in time, sort of like the water line in a glass. I can then remind myself they do not define who I am as a person and continue to utilize the endless resources that exist to keep becoming an even healthier imperfect human being.
So, even when I want to quit for whatever reason, I understand it's just a thought creating a feeling, and I allow myself to feel it, and then...I get back to writing.
Bipolar 101, With Juliet Spelman - Webinar (youtube.com)
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