I saw this frame more than 20 years ago and even though I knew I shouldn't spend the money on it at that time, I simply had to have it because it represented how I felt about my daughter. And quite frankly, I think I was looking for a daily reminder of why I was continuing to live.
A lot of life has happened since then, and is chronicled in my memoir, Brave Enough To Be Bliss. And there would come a time when I wasn't the only one looking for a reason to keep living.
Excerpt from Chapter 20—What Made You Do It?
At first, I just didn’t want to be a hypocrite, but then I also believed it was the only way my daughter and I could survive. I would have loved to have simply died for her. That would have been easy. It’s what I wanted anyway. But instead, I had to do something much harder, I had to learn to live.
After a while, though, I began to see myself in a different light. I began to see that I had choices. Sure, I had some bad things happen to me, but when I became aware I was the one who was keeping me in that misery, no one else, I began to hate hating myself. I became as disgusted with hating myself as I had been disgusted with myself for all those years. And I became determined to become the person God created me to be because I knew He didn’t keep me alive so I could walk around this earth wishing I was dead and hating on His creation, me.
The reason for living I had found 30+ years ago was to “help keep other hurting people alive,” but now I had a chance to do something so much greater. I had a chance to model how to live a life worth living.
I had to break down my fears, where they really came from and what they were really about, so I could begin checking them off one-by-one. I had to understand I had no control over anyone except myself. I had to be willing to let my daughter decide for herself if she wanted to learn to live or die, to accept I truly could not stop her. And I had to show her I trusted her to make the decision to live. I did that kicking and screaming inside, but once I had faced the biggest fear of my life, losing her, the other fears didn’t seem nearly as big. I kept chipping away at the list until I began to believe in my mind I could do it as much as I felt in my heart and soul I could.
And when the heart, soul and brain are working together, we humans are unstoppable.
The chapter goes on to describe why I invested all I did into writing the book and making the decision to give away the digital version for free and selling the printed version at cost. That decision was something many would question me about and all I could say is after you read the entire book, you will fully understand. Because only then will you fully understand my heart for all people, especially hurting people.
And in reality, we are all hurting people in one way or another. Much of the time, though, we don't even realize it and the impact it is having on our relationships. It is so much easier and, in the moment, feels so much better to remain oblivious to the fact that our pain is rarely about the people we complain about or what has happened to us in life, but is rather what we refuse to accept, life...is...hard, and to heal within ourselves.
And why do we do this? Because sometimes there is immense pain to go through before we can get to the other side and rewire our brains. In short, the brain uses past painful experiences to try to protect us from future ones, even when those behaviors actually hurt us in the present.
And that is why I now wish I had a colorful frame that I could place next to the one that I showed above that says...
Before you were conceived, I was destined to hurt you because I hadn't healed myself. I wanted you, subconsciously, to help fill up the parts of me that nothing else could. Before you were born, I dreamed of the perfect life I would give you actually believing it was possible to keep you from experiencing pain. I loved you, but I couldn't love myself, and that limited the depth of love I was able to give you. Before you were here an hour, the joy I felt gave way to fear knowing I couldn't be perfect, you wouldn't always be in my arms and in my sight, and therefore I couldn't keep you from feeling pain in some way. I would die for you, yes, so easily in fact, because I hadn't actually learned how to live myself. But then, I decided to make an investment in me instead of a sacrifice for you. You became the inspiration I needed to be brave enough to face my own pain, learn, grow, and heal so I could become the real, authentic and imperfect parent you needed and deserved all along. This is the power of love.
If you're interested in reading the entire book, the digital book is free and hardback copies can be purchased at cost through the link below. There is no financial gain for me in sharing this book, but you are worth the investment of each and every word.
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