And it isn't pretty. It's hard. It's sad. It just plain hurts sometimes.
And yet, I am so grateful for healing because with it comes the opportunity to experience joy, beauty, laughter, light, freedom, vision, and most importantly, healthier relationships.
As I was packing up and getting ready to leave this happy place I've found in Michigan, I decided to share another unexpected, but profound part of my experience here. My intention was to finish the book in these three weeks and while significant progress was made, it is not all wrapped up nice, neat and tidy as I prefer things to be.
Delving into the book required me to delve into some especially painful parts of my life. Just like the healing process and these photos, the painful parts of my life aren't pretty. Perhaps that's why it was difficult to make the needed progress in my own surroundings. Perhaps I needed to get somewhere out of my normal environment to be able to get uncomfortable enough to go places I have previously avoided. Perhaps there was more work to be done that I was unaware of. Perhaps there was more to the journey whether I wanted it or not.
These photos are screenshots from actual videos I recorded and sent to a few people who have been important parts of my life. As I was reviewing writing from four years ago (not intended to be included in a book or it wouldn't have been written), it became so clear to me now that I simply didn't see things then as they really were. As I said in one of the videos trying to explain, when I heard, saw, and read things back then, they were skewed. It just wasn't the reality I can see so clearly now. When I was coming from a place of fear, my brain interpreted everything in a way that would keep me "safe."
Retrospect can be such a gift if we're brave enough to take a good, hard, long look at ourselves and accept responsibility for our words and actions.
When it became clear to me what I had unknowingly done and the impact of it, I knew I needed to make amends even if it was just for me. My comfort zone is writing, but I knew I needed to do the brave thing and speak to them. I could have called, but I wanted them to see my sincerity, my emotion, my tears because I withheld those from them previously. I wanted to be real in front of them finally. I wanted them to have at least a little of the knowledge that was freeing me from my mistakes and shame just in case they had internalized any of my actions as a reflection of them instead of accurately knowing it was only a reflection of my fear, pain, and mixed-up brain.
The first time in a video I said, "I...am...sorry," it took what felt like a minute in between each of those words. I wanted to tell myself it was because I was really emphasizing each word, but I have gotten pretty good at calling myself out on my own bullshit. Saying I was wrong, admitting to this person I had tried so hard to be perfect in front of, apparently that was just really hard. But once the words were out of my mouth, everything else flowed much more easily. And topics like fear, rejection and dishonesty were all covered. I tried not to leave anything off the table. It needed to be said and I needed to say it...out loud.
It's important to note that all of these things I finally saw clearly only occurred to me because of the previous healing I had done over a period of years. Honestly when I started having all these realizations, I was stunned. Stunned at how I could have seen a situation or a person or a problem as I did. Stunned at how adamant I'm sure I was about what I felt was reality at the time. Stunned at how hard it was to say I...am...sorry out loud that first time about things that were so significant that I just hadn't seen before.
But once I got past that first heartfelt apology, it flowed quite easily. I had put it out there. I was wrong. I was so wrong. And yet, I also have self-compassion and acknowledge these relationships weren't entirely my fault. But sharing information, acknowledging and apologizing for my part was an important step not only in healing, but also in my growth.
And I will live by what John Delony said as my journey continues, “Don’t forget to love, enjoy, and have a good time changing your life. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, it will require sacrifice and be hard. But you live in a tiny sliver of history where you actually have the power and ability to change your future. Any and all of it. So roll up your sleeves and smile as big as you can. Your path to life change will be greater if you laugh, love and have fun along the way.”
I have done yet another hard and brave thing. And the more I do that, the more I will learn, the more I will grow and the healthier my relationships will be in the future. So, cheers to Michigan, and cheers to coming home!
#braveenoughtobebliss #mentalhealth #selfcompassion #compassion #healing #hope #forgiveness #apologies #brave #tears
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