How often have you heard, or perhaps said, any of these phrases? Unfortunately, I have more times than I care to admit.
Tough guys don't cry.
Don't be a sissy (or fill in the blank with another word).
Don't cry, you'll be fine.
Be tough. Be strong.
Toughen up. Suck it up.
Through so much of my life I thought I had to be strong and keep it together in front of everyone, especially my daughter. I believed I could not show emotions like sadness, fear, regret or anger because that would mean I wasn't strong and in control. And I definitely couldn't allow myself to start crying because I just knew if I started, I might not ever be able to stop.
I remember going to funerals and feeling like I should be crying, but I couldn't. After all the years of fighting back the tears, they just wouldn't flow. My body was programmed to keep it all inside, stuff it back down, not let anyone see what I felt. The song made famous by Melissa Manchester, Don't Cry Out Loud, was released when I was 10 years old. I recently heard it and somehow still knew every word. I don't know if I really thought about the words back then or just memorized them, but something tells me I decided to make it my theme song. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOGySPegQqs)
The hard lesson I have recently learned, though, is that no matter what the suffering stems from, it never gets better until I fully allow myself to feel it all. No matter how buried the feelings are, no matter what happened or when it happened, until I fully feel all the emotions, they stay trapped in my mind and body and as a result, I stay stuck in my thought patterns and behaviors.
I eventually realized the people who say things like, feel your feelings, let it all out, feel all your feels, as irritating as that was to me back then, they say it because it’s true. We just don't like to believe what we're not ready to actually do. Life can be really hard sometimes, but when we can feel it, experience it and express it all, we are better able to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and find the resolve to face another day.
Comments