Some people might think, "Wow, bet that's the last time she lets that happen." But my daughter and close friends can attest to the fact that it likely won't be. It's not because I don't think ahead. It's not because I like to live dangerously. It's simply because I detest getting gas in my vehicle and clearly cutting it very close does not create any anxiety for me. For the purposes of this blog, I actually did plan it out to get to zero in order to take the photo. Living in a metropolitan area, there are enough gas stations it's really not that hard to do this and remain relatively safe. Some people may think it's really irresponsible or ridiculous. For me, though, it's just what I do and I don't care to do it differently at this point in my life because even when I consider the worst-case scenario, it does not scare me enough to inspire change.
I only mention this because to me, it is an illustration of how there are warning signs we are aware of and/or heed, like the orange light on the gas tank that apparently goes off once you reach 0 miles. (Seems to me that it should go to red at that point versus off.) There are also warning signs that we are unaware of or ignore. And each of us through our backgrounds and experiences see warning signs differently. For some, just seeing this photo may cause anxiety because they personally had or maybe just heard about a bad or even traumatic situation happening when someone ran out of gas. For me, I feel relatively confident it would be ok if I actually did run out of gas because I have AAA and/or friends/family who would bail me out. I'm not saying something bad "couldn't" happen, but it just hasn't motivated me to change yet. I'm sure I'll get "in trouble" by my Dad since he did teach me better than that and perhaps have a talking to by others who care about me, but that's part of being vulnerable writing here. It's real, it's what I do and even if it's not a shining example of behavior, if it helps illustrate something, I'm willing to share it.
Self-reflection can be such a gift, but for so many of us, it is terribly difficult. Seeing inside our own minds can be frightening because many of us are burying pain from the past that sometimes we aren't even aware of. And when we fear pain, we can do almost anything to avoid it.
I write from my heart, not my mind so that's why there isn't any prescribed regularity to my blog posts. I know myself well enough to know that the words will come when there's something in my heart and soul that needs to be expressed. Today the first couple paragraphs flowed, but then I got stuck because I started questioning myself. Was it really because I hated the process of getting gas that I avoided it? I stopped trying to write and fixed some soup. As I was eating my soup, this hit me.
I think I actually avoid getting gas because my brain remembers a bad experience that I hadn't even considered. About 15 years ago, I stopped to get gas about 9:30 p.m. on my way home from a board meeting that ran long. I had worn a lightweight, teal turtleneck sweater under my business suit. It was cold out, so I was likely in an even bigger hurry than usual. I got back into the car to wait like always until the pump automatically stopped. I wasn't sure what happened, but when I pulled the hose from the tank gas was flowing full force so I must have squeezed the handle. The gas hit the side of the car and bounced back into my face and all over my clothes before I could stop it. I had to get back in the car and drive the rest of the way home smelling those fumes making it hard to breathe while my skin was burning. I immediately got undressed in the garage and ran in to take a shower. The dry cleaner was able to get the smell out of my clothes and one would think all was well.
Honestly it was probably then that I began to avoid getting gas. I had convinced myself as I began writing today that I avoided it because I wasn't anxious about running out of gas when in reality I think it is because I was scared it could happen again. Until I wrote the above paragraph I hadn't been able to figure out what happened, but thinking back now, I know the auto shut-off worked because I heard it and that's how I knew to get back out of the car. So instead of acknowledging I made a mistake and squeezed the lever as I pulled it out, I've just been avoiding the process as long as possible in between fill ups scared it could happen again. Back at that time, I had no self-compassion and could not admit my mistakes or give myself any grace at all. So instead I created the story in my mind that it must not have shut off leaving the possibility of it happening again in my mind. While it could happen again if I make that same mistake, hopefully my brain will not sense danger as much as it did now that I have admitted the mistake, and perhaps I can fill up soon after the light turns on. (I'm going for progress here, not overnight change.)
This blog didn't lead where I thought it would, but perhaps it's an even more important message. When we are willing to learn to look at ourselves and our behaviors honestly and with compassion, we can begin to understand, and when we understand we can begin to make lasting changes in our lives. Without the ability to self-reflect, someone or something else will always be the problem and our relationship with ourselves and others will suffer. This illustration of avoiding pumping gas fortunately never caused any real issue, but just imagine the problematic behaviors that could stem from traumatic events. Our brains work to protect us, but we don't have to leave them on autopilot. We can learn tools and strategies to help us know when to listen and when to tell our brains thank you for trying to protect us, but we are safe now and proceed with new behaviors that help us experience a more joy filled life.
What do you avoid doing and why? After you answer yourself once, go back and ask yourself again (and maybe again, it takes practice) why you procrastinate and you may be surprised at what you'll learn if you're brave enough to dig deep and find your truth.
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