Those eyes. That face. OK, this Gigi is biased, but I think Cooper is just the sweetest and in May we celebrated his fifth birthday. And for anyone who knew me well most of my life, me gushing about my granddog would come as quite a surprise.
For nearly 50 years when I was asked if I had any pets, I would say no, I don't like animals. Many people who love animals would quickly judge me and since I could see it happening, even if they didn't say anything, I would then backtrack and say, "It's not really that I don't like animals, it's just that I don't want one in my house and my yard isn't big enough for an outside dog." Or some such excuse trying to get me out of a tight spot. Yes, in other words, I would lie. That's just what I did, I tried to be whatever and whomever I thought others wanted me to be in order to avoid conflict.
About nine years ago, I began working with a surgeon who said, "I don't trust anyone who doesn't like dogs." Fortunately, I heard him say this before I said anything about my real feelings and from that moment on, I became a fake dog lover while in the office. When Kylee worked at the same practice for about nine months, I had to tell her to be really careful she never slipped and let him know I didn't like dogs. So yes, not only was I willing to lie, but I was asking my daughter to lie for me too. Not my finest parenting moment, but since she was 20 somehow it seemed less bad.
Around that same time as I began to work with a self-compassion coach and she introduced me to the process of inquiry, I started trying to figure out my aversion to animals. And I was also learning that lying to keep the peace wasn't a healthy way to live. So, when I questioned myself about the statement, I don't like animals, I realized it wasn't completely true. I liked looking at animals. I found them interesting to hear about. It made me happy that other people experienced such joy owning pets and I knew about the benefits of having them.
After I thought through those things, I determined that I just didn't want them in my house because they aren't clean. That must be it! I remembered when Kylee was first asking for a dog as a little girl, ok begging for a dog, I told her when she found a dog we could buy that wiped its own butt after pooping and before coming back inside the house, I would buy her that dog. And back then, I tried to have as spotless a house as possible because perfection was the unhealthy and unrealistic aim in everything I did.
But after sitting with cleanliness for a while, it didn't feel like the real answer either.
Then I thought about the expense, yes, it must be the expense of a pet that was the real barrier to me having one. Yet after a while that didn't feel like the honest truth either. So, I continued to ponder...
I thought back again to when Kylee was begging for a dog and at that point in my life, I do believe I was being honest that the responsibility of having one was a true barrier to me saying yes. But then when I asked myself if it hadn't been a barrier and I trusted that she and her dad would truly be the ones responsible for it, would I have agreed to it? And the frustrating answer was no. Frustrating because this was getting tough, all this truth about myself. But I also don't unresolved things in my mind, so back to the figurative drawing board I went again.
And then, the epiphany as I refer to all my big realization moments.
I remembered when I was a little girl there was a large dog that ran at me barking and growling. And then I thought back to when Kylee's Gram and I were on a walk with her when she was maybe two or three years old, and a stray dog came charging at us in a park barking and growling. I immediately picked up Kylee holding her as high and tight as I could. The dog lunged toward Kylee, so I turned to try to keep her safe and had to keep turning and turning trying to keep him from grabbing her leg. I was truly terrified in each instance.
So, after peeling back all the layers, going beyond the initial, easy thoughts and answers, I got to the actual reason behind the statement I don't like animals, which was actually a feeling...fear.
Animals may run toward a person barking and jumping because they are excited, but for me, it felt scary. Animals may quickly move their heads toward a person because licking can be a sign of affection, but it has felt scary, like I might be bitten, so I have pulled away. When I have gone to someone's house who has a pet, I have had to mentally prepare so I could appear to like their pets as much as possible.
When I'm caught off guard by any sudden movements toward me, inside my body, it feels like I could be attacked even if I have tried to prepare myself that the animal is safe. When I am surprised in any way by anything or anyone, my brain sounds a very loud alarm of impending danger to my nervous system which is only trying to keep me safe based on past traumatic experiences that go far beyond the couple instances with the dogs that I mentioned. In this example, to avoid the perceived potential threat, my brain made up the story years ago that I don't like animals in order to avoid or minimize any interaction with them.
It was easier for me to believe that I just didn't like animals because they were dirty, they cost too much, they were too much work, in order to avoid coming to grips with the fact that I was... scared. And because I hadn't been honest with myself, I couldn't be honest with anyone else.
Fortunately, two years after starting to work with that surgeon, I bought Kylee a dog and began to understand how very special they are so there was no need to lie any longer and I proudly began to show him photos of Cooper instead. And then several years after that, after my daughter got married, she and her husband bought another dog, a German Shepherd named Maverick who has given me a real opportunity to work through my fear of large dogs.
With frequent exposure to their dogs, I began to warm up to other people's pets without the level of fear I had previously experienced.
“Fear doesn’t want to feel itself, it’s actually afraid of itself. So, people utilize the mind in an attempt to manipulate life for the purpose of not feeling fear.” Steven Alimaras
I'm convinced that underlying fears are what drives the vast majority of human controlling behavior that creates conflict, and the sad thing is most of us aren't even aware of it. This may likely be a psychological fact, but as a regular old human who hadn't been taught anything about how to manage my thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, I came to it simply because I had been miserable inside, made a mess of my relationships, and finally got brave enough to figure out why.
As I'm in the midst of making final edits on the book, Brave Enough To Be Bliss, I would ask you to do something for fun. And if you plan to read the book, you will get a lot more out of it if you do this personal investigation in advance.
When you sense negative or uncomfortable thoughts coming to your mind or have a conflict arising with someone else, really investigate why you're thinking what you think and then delve much deeper to find out what the feelings are beneath those thoughts. Ask yourself questions and even when you're tempted, don't settle for the surface level answers in your brain, go deeper into the core of you where the feelings live. If you do this, I'm certain you'll learn something about yourself, and the more you know about yourself the better your relationships with others will be. I know for sure, I'm a better Gigi from this example I shared and I'm an infinitely healthier person from so many others I share in the book.
No one would have been able to convince me I would someday do something like make yogurt and fresh fruit lick mat frozen treats for two dogs, but because I asked myself some hard questions and didn't settle for easy answers, I have these guys to visit and spoil, especially on their birthdays.
#braveenoughtobebliss #gbreal #mentalhealth #selfcompassion #honesty #dogs #animals #pets #suicide #depression #compassion #trust #selftrust #fear #courage
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